My Dearest Sahana,
Novembers are tough. They have always been so for me. Something about almost the end of year brings out the worst. Think an unwatered, dying plant – that is how I feel about this month. However, this letter is going to be more than that dear! I pen this writing to explain about the one quality I hope you differ from me. And differ from me vastly too! This letter dear is about a lesson I never really learned or lived well. It is about forgiveness.
Sahana, the world lies when it says ‘I love you’, or ‘I miss you’ are the three most important words. Trust me, they are not. In my experience, the honour of those three words belong to the phrase – 'how are you?'
Yes dear. That simple,
boring, yet vastly underrated question are the three most important words. Their importance is truly felt not when
people ask, but when those, whom you considered most important in life, STOP asking you that very question.
You may wonder then, why would people stop asking such a question. And even if some do, why would it matter at all? To help you understand that dear, let me share with you, five incontrovertible yet lesser spoken truths of life.
1. My dearest among dears Sahana, in life, you will put your heart, soul, mind, time, energy, and everything for a few people. You will devote yourself to their goals, ambitions, and dreams. Yet, there will come a day when nothing of all that matters. The person you lived for once will simply leave or just has to move on. Sometimes, without even a proper goodbye.
2. That person or those friends for that matter, will have the 'urge' or ‘intent’
to check-in on you occasionally. In temples, mosques, or churches – they will silently pray
for you and be grateful for your presence and what you brought to their life.
Yet, a whole canyon of silence is what will exist in reality. A deadly silence will occupy what once was full of life and madness. People will hide behind intentions of goodness about you. Yet, not all
intentions take the form of words or actions. Some of the best intentions will be left to die
in silence.
3. My beloved Sahana, Hurtful People are not like villains in movies. Most do not betray or hurt or hit you. But the ones who do end up hurting you, just do not like to be judged for it. No matter what how deeply you were hurt. They want you to understand intentions, circumstances, and force behind their choices. Most do not want to hear harsh truths, even when asked. Contrary to philosophy or ideas, People would rather prefer you be with them without giving any blame than leave them to reflect on difficult truths. Remember Sahana, the world will admire the pain of Sacrifice more than Courage of truth. It will demand presence in pain rather than healing through words. It asks for non-judgementalism and unconditional acceptance, regardless of how cruel the situation can get or feel for you. And this dear, for me, felt like a trap. I wholeheartedly believe this twisted sense of morality in people is actually a trap.
4. A trap where you will feel horrible for giving up on some
people. Each second, minute or hour you will be disgusting about yourself. Even genuine
appreciation from truly loving and remaining ones will never reach your heart and
let it feel good thereafter.
5. Have you failed to endure? Could you have done more?
How do you strike the balance between self-care and selflessness? These are the
questions that will haunt you forever about people as you grow and age.
But I digress with these truths. As I said, as time marches forward, and even the most loving ones silence out in your life. Some will be blame it on circumstances. Some others on intent being there, but peace being more important. Many more on not wanting to re-live some difficult experiences again. The remaining just get busy. Whatever be the reason, that simple act of reaching out with a ‘How are you?’ ends, making it precious yet unspoken words.
Weirdly though, you will also find yourself craving for that. After the immediate relief of finding space and time for yourself, your mind will inevitably wander back to good times with that person or friends. You will want to reach out, but you will not. I did not. And if you wonder why, you will find it difficult to form words too. I found it difficult too. So, let me share, what I found in my search for answers and wisdom to why people silence us out after all the good and what felt like would be never-ending times.
1. There was & is lots of happiness, but all I needed was some peace and time for myself – one said.
2. I did not deserve such kindness and support all the time –
another said.
3. I will always be grateful to your presence and what
you brought to my life. Goodbye – a third one remarked.
4. Not a day went by in nostalgia of all the good
times we shared. I do not know why I became silent. I just did. - another told.
5. Closeness between friends mostly fails the distance
between continents – a wise teacher helped me understand.
6. If you really wanted to speak, why could you not
have reached out instead? Why is it always me who should reach out? – another remarked angrily and blamed me back.
7. I expected more. Even more. But I realized I was
only asking, not giving. I did not want to trouble anymore – eventually said the
one who went silent for years.
8. I just wanted to be with myself for sometime. It was nothing about you - a few more added.
Read those sentences Sahana. I spent a good part of my life sharing friendships and expecting a ‘How are you?’ from all those people. A mild bitterness also blended into life because of my own expectations.
Looking back, it is true though! I myself could have reached out and made it easy for everyone. Yet I did not. And if I re-live life again, I would not too. I do not know why. Somethings and people are best left to silence, no matter how much your heart screams to break through. There is a true love in being needed unasked and cared for, when not expected to - I told myself.
So, why could not you not show that true love then - you may ask dear. In response to that Sahana, I want you to know something. I want you to be aware that I have not been good at forgiving people dear. It just was not in my DNA. I felt horrible at this inability many times. But I was also too proud to change. Overall, I just turned miserable and lonely.
Should you learn from my mistake then? You may ask. In responding to you on that, Let me tell you what I lost because of not forgiving.
Firstly, I lost people. Ofcourse, I lost them! I also lost a feel-good factor about myself. I was filled with self-doubt and a mild misery. A form of cynicism also built in, wherein I expected every person to hurt or leave for good at one or the other time. Above all, I constantly craved if time can be taken back, and some mistakes avoided forever.
And what did I gain because of NOT forgiving? I understood what I can never tolerate. I realized some values for which I will even let go of people. I found time and space to reflect. I made way for new people, who would take me down the old paths, although filling me with hope initially each time. Most importantly, I became more and more alone, no matter how many people I was surrounded by. And with such loneliness, a sort of weird detachment also presented itself. In that detachment, the highs aren’t very highs, and the lows aren’t very lows too!
So, I present these two sides as a gift to you now Sahana. I do not and will never instruct you to choose one side over another. You know that is not me at all! Never. I just want you to know that I have lived my life on the opposite side of the world’s famous and loving value – forgiveness. I did not and could not enjoy it as the poets and philosophers say. When I read that forgiveness is the fragrance that the flower sends to the foot that crushes it, I felt disgusted. I could not make space, time, and love with moments that come after forgiveness. And I am weirdly ashamed yet remorseless, mildly bitter but confident about my side. I also live with that conflict within me each day. And in the off-chance that you end up on my side, I want you to know – it is completely alright dear! Not all of world's principles need to be followed by you. We can infact partners in crime :D ! I am not going to and will never lecture you on values that you by yourself must choose. I accept whatever choice you make or path you take about forgiveness. I will wonder in a childlike way as to what your DNA will make you choose. For one choice you make, I will be proud of you. For other side, I will sit beside you and be there understanding why your inner weight is too hard to bear and overcome.
Either ways, I have got you Sahana. For now and always.
Yours, Fors & Froms.
P.S. Oh by the way, just in case you needed it today of all days, How are you doing dear? :D :)
