A Dedication To My Love - Part 1

Dedication :

“ The greatest purpose of human life is to be acknowledged for what you are – Nothing more, Nothing less ”, said one of the most inspiring characters of my life.

And looking back, 24 years into my life now, I am writing this blog, not for any acknowledgement from anyone but as a dedication to my love. I am writing this to leave to my love's, God's and time’s judgement on what sort of a person I am. I am writing this to offer an explanation to my self on why everything I did was worth it at all. I am writing this wondering how will the times and people of the future look at the actions of my past.

This blog is actually a confession. A blog that describes me, a little part of my life and the characters involved in it. A blog that hopefully will, in the times to come, will keep inspiring me and people like me to pursue what we want and love the most no matter what.

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27th December, 2007,
Night 1 a.m.,
Waiting lounge,
Begumpet Airport.

I was feeling devastated. It was as if my heart was torn apart and left on an icy grave. I could only feel tears and not blood running through my body. If ever there was a moment in life wherein I was looking for atleast one reason to live, this was it.

My ipod had been playing the same song since an hour. And everytime the song finished, I wanted to hear it again.

“ Aankhon mein sapnay liye,
Ghar sey hum chal tho diye,
Jaaney yeh raahen ab le jaayenge kahan.

Mitti ki khushbu aayi,
Palkon pe aasun laayi,
Palkon pe reh jaayega yaadhon ka jahan.

Manzil nayee hain – Anjana hain karavan,
Chalna akele hain yahaan,
Tanha Dil, Tanha Safar,
Doondey tujhey – Phir kyun Nazar ?
Tanha Dil, Tanha Safar
Doondey tujhey – Phir kyun Nazar ?
Tanha dil !

- Shaan, Tanha dil

The more I heard the song, the more it was tearing me apart. As I kept hearing it, i was reminding myself of every moment of my life. It was reminding me of all my friends, my family, my college life, my dreams and my love. All my challenges, criticisms, opposition, hatred, pain, tears and indifference.

“ Sai, you can stop it even now.. No one can question you. Your friend is really right. You are someone who can’t swim in a pond and yet you are ready to jump into an ocean full of sharks. Your Perima is really right. You cannot walk through a platform without the support of someone and yet you want to do every task on your own in a place where it snows for 8 months of an year. Your friend’s mom is really really right Sai. You can never ever live without the help of someone. And so even now there is time. Just call up dad and let it go. You cannot stay all alone in a totally foreign country. You cannot risk all your dad’s earnings on your talent. You cannot risk your life. The doctor said it can begin any moment. So,stop it all sai.. stop it.. Please ! The world is not going to change because of you and what you do”, said my mind.

My heart did not answer.

“Are you even listening Sai ? Please call up dad.. You are burning hot because of fever. You must be running close to 104 F. Do not be arrogant. It is a matter of life and death”, asked my mind.

My heart was dead. It hasn’t spoken since 4 days now. And it was yet to recover from what my doctor uncle told me 7 hours back.

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December 26th, 2007
6 P.M., Premier Hospital,
Langar House, Hyderabad.

“ Sai, I am sorry. I cannot hide this from your dad. He has to know and take the decision”, said Dr. Vijay uncle.

Dr.Vijay uncle knows me and has been serving me for almost 7 years now. Mom says I am indebted to him all my life. And she is true. His skills and his skills alone have ensured that I physically survived many times.

“But uncle please.. Its for my love.. Its for my dream ! The flight is at 2 45 tonight. And it is the only chance I have to get my love and add meaning to my life. Please understand uncle. Do not tell this to dad. I request you.”, I pleaded.

“Sai, I told you many a times.. Going to America and studying there is not the only thing you can do to prove that you and people who are disabled are worth love. You can do that as well with Infosys. Infact, you have done more than enough now itself. When I saw you first 5 years back, you weren’t even fit medically to get into an engineering college. I supported you then. And I have served you for 5 years now. I have been inspired by you for 5 years now. I know you more than anyone else. But I cannot do this favour. You have no clue of life in America. And I will not let you go there.. Not atleast today. You are running a temperature of 103. You are not medically fit to even fly. ”, said uncle.

“Hmm.. Ok Uncle.. you can only certify me as physically unfit. But, I believe I am more fit mentally than anyone else on this planet right now. May be I have not seen America. But I have seen myself and people around me. I have studied and worked my heart out during four years of my engineering. In a class of the most brilliant, I ended up as one of the top 5 students. May be I am egoistic, may be I arrogant, may be I want people to acknowledge my abilities, may be I just don’t care but beyond all this may be’s – I know something. It is the fact that I am in love. And I want my love no matter what and no matter at what price it is.”, I finished

“Hmm.. Ok dear.. You go your way. I will go mine. I will speak to your dad. You decide it with him”, said uncle.

“Fine then. But do bandage my leg tight enough. Its going to be a 26 hour journey to Madison”, I said.

Uncle smiled and said “Sai, you are impossible” as he bandaged my leg.
I smiled and said “Thank you uncle. I learnt to believe in the impossible from you”.

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December 26th, 2007
7 P.M., On my scooty
Langar House to ECIL


“Sai – The doctor told me everything”, said my dad waiting for me to reply.
“Dad !! Please..I think this is the final time I will be driving my jaanu scooty for a few years now. So, let me concentrate.”, I said.

“Hmm.. But sai, do you know the implications of what he said ?”, asked dad.

“Hmm.. Dad, Do you remember my first day to CBIT ? I was driving this scooty for the first time in my life.. The first time, I was ever driving something.. The first time, I ever was traveling on my own.. The first time, I was trying something alone.. You and mom were so very scared that day.. Infact remember dad ? Mom prayed at Chilkur temple that day so that I drive safe and get confidence”, I said trying to change the topic and feeling a little cute of my mom’s infinite, innocent and selfless love for me.

“Ya, and I also remember Sai, on how one day you and suresh came home after hitting a road divider and getting hurt badly. You were bleeding all over that day”, said dad.

“Ya dad.. I fell but I did rise again and drove it.. Didn’t I ? So, I won in the end”, I said.

“But life is not the same as driving a scooty Sai. And I believe you still have enough time to take back your decision”, said dad.

I didn’t reply to his words. I stopped at a gas station to fill in my scooty with petrol.
“One last time I am filling petrol to this love of mine”, I told my dad with a forced smile on my face.

Dad looked at me with a strange sense of pain and support in his eyes. I still remember the question his eyes were asking me.

“Do you think all this pain is necessary ? Do you think you will pull this off ? Do you think you will win your love Sai ?”, his eyes were asking me.

I had no replies to any of his questions.
My heart wanted to hug him then and there and cry for a few min. But then boys don’t cry !

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December 26th, 2007
10 P.M., Home

“Amma.. Please pack all the gifts I got in a separate bag. Especially the statue of the cycler given by Suresh.. Be careful with the chandliers given by Sreenhija & Kavya.. All the greeting cards separately.. I’d be wearing the sweater given by Sathya and the watch given by Veera, Avi, Raki & Kiru gang. So keep them on my table.”, I said to my mom

My mom was motionless. Her eyes were swollen and red. She had been crying for almost three days now.

“Amma.. Please ! Its time.. I have a flight to catch in 4 hours from now ! Our friends’ gang is waiting at the airport. We need to call periamma and all our relations before I leave. ”, I said.

Mom didn’t speak. She hadn’t spoken to me since 3 days now.

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December 26th, 2007
10:30 P.M., Home


“Not to worry mama.. You will rock ! I am sure you will.. Send me an email as soon as you reach U.S… No, call me ! If not for my dirty manager, I’d have dropped you till America itself.. But unfortunately, I am stuck in this train back to Mumbai”, said Veera – one of my best friends.

“Thanks mama.. They are the most encouraging words I have heard all this week. Will definitely call you as soon as I land”,

“Ya and call me up every week.. Email everyday.. Our gang is already at the airport. Everything is taken care of. Rock on mama.. You will get what you want ! And wear the watch we gave you”, said Veera as the phone got cut with the train going into no signal zone.

“Ya sure.. Thank you mama.. Thank you !”, I said as the phone got cut.
I was smiling for the first time in a week although it was only for a few seconds.

“Here’s the paracetamol and the antibiotic. Hope the fever comes down before you take the flight”, said dad.
“Thank you dad”, I said as I took the tablet.
I could hear mom sobbing in the other room as I swallowed my tablet.

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December 26th, 2007
11 P.M., Outside my apartment

“All the best Sai.. You will rock.. We are proud of you”, said all my friends and neighbours in the colony.

“Thank you”, I said.
My friend pradeep joined my family as we began to drive to the airport. My mom hasn’t yet spoken to me.


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December 26th, 2007
11:45 P.M., Outside Begumpet Airport

I got down the car. And as soon as i got down, i was hugged by Avinash, Rakesh, Suresh, Santhosh and Kiran tightly. They had been waiting there since an hour.

We all had a party only the previous night. I cut a cake at the paradise hotel and we had a bang till 12 in the night. I was wearing the watch they gave me.

“Mama, here’s your trademark coca cola.. Have a sip”, said Santhosh.
Mom took the coke from my hand and kept it aside. She was still to speak.

Suresh realized the situation. And said “Aunty, don’t worry.. Our sai will rock. He has decided and he will back it up. When he returns the entire state would be clapping for him.”

“Ya aunty.. He will rock”, said Avinash.
“Why even doubt amma”, added Rakesh.

And my mom began to sob again. Dad took her to the side and was consoling her. I wasn’t sure what to feel. My heart had gone totally numb by now.

I kept speaking to my friends. Took some photographs. And a small video.

And as it all happened, the greatest love of my life, my sister preethi sat down by my side.

“Sai, I want to give you something”, said the angel of my life who was the only reason I was even trying to put a brave face and inspire myself into a smile through those moments.
“Ya.. What is it ?”, I asked excitedly.
“Well I saved 45 rupees of money since last week. And I bought this greeting card and pen for you. I want you to write all your university exams with this”, said my preethi.

To say that I was touched is too small a line to describe that feeling I felt then ! I always believed people live for and dream about certain moments in their lives. And this certainly was one of those moments of my life ! It was like a sweet dream come true.

“Thank you”, I said with a wide grin on my face.
I put the pen in my pocket carefully and kept the card in my carry bag.

She hugged me and said “you will succeed in your love Sai.. I know you will”
“Ya, I will.. For you and our family.. I will succeed in getting my love”, I said.

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December 27th, 2007
12 15 a.m.,
Begumpet airport

“Time to check in”, said the airport authorities.

My mom began to cry unconsolably as soon as she heard it. The pain of that moment still haunts me. My friends tried to console my mom. Over the years, to say that everyone of my friends were a friend to my mom and dad than to me wouldn’t be an understatement here.

“Sai, do you think you will pull this off”, asked my mom.

“Amma.. I am your son. Like periamma says “Vasanthi’s son”. And I have been born, brought up and fed in love. You have taught me to fight out for what you love the most. To silently suffer for what you love the most. To silently work towards making your love the best. To believe in the spirit of the impossible. So, there is no doubt I will pull this off. When I return, the entire India will know my achievement and what I did for my love. I will succeed in this”, I said.

Am not sure if mom heard all of that. But she, like me, had lost all ability to feel anything.

“Sai Prasad Vishwanathan, you are requested to check in”, said the airport authority again

“Just a min”, I said as I went to dad.

“Sai, I am not going to say anything. I trust you. I trust your abilities. I couldn’t earn a lot in my life. And I am sorry about it. But whatever I earned, I gave it to you. 15,000 $ is what I have given you. That includes the house’s loan amount. Your first sem’s fees is 12, 500 $. So, if you do not get the funding in first sem, you will be only left with 2500 $ for 6 months with rental for a month being 700 $. I am not sure on how will you manage. My only belief is that you will pull off the funding or some odd job within the first month of your going there.”

“I will dad. I am the best C programmer my college has seen. You know that I found my love in C++. And I am sure, I will pull my funding off within 15 days of my landing in the u.s. One opportunity is all I need. And I will put my heart, blood and soul into it. And trust me dad, not only will I get funded to study, I will also ensure that simultaneously another student like me studies in the same country”, I said as I took final blessings.

“Hmm. And do take care of your health. Baba will protect you”, said my dad.
“You take care of mom”, I said.

I took leave of my friends and sister. Looked into the eyes of my mom which were dry and lifeless to capture one last memory. And began to leave to check in.

I turned the ipod on. And it began to play the first of the 30 songs I had carefully selected to hear throughout my journey.

“ Aankhon mein sapnay liye,
Ghar sey hum chal tho diye,
Jaaney yeh raahen ab le jaayenge kahan.

Mitti ki khushbu aayi,
Palkon pe aasun laayi,
Palkon pe reh jaayega yaadhon ka jahan.

Manzil nayee hain – Anjana hain karavan,
Chalna akele hain yahaan,
Tanha Dil, Tanha Safar,
Doondey tujhey – Phir kyun Nazar ?
Tanha Dil, Tanha Safar
Doondey tujhey – Phir kyun Nazar ?
Tanha dil ! ”

- Shaan, Tanha dil


- To be continued -

Dedicated To The Rose in Everyone ! :)

This story written by me is a humble dedication to my parents who taught me the way of life and made me everything i am ! It is inspired by all those lovely lovely friends of mine who proved my parents correct and who refuse to see anything but the good in me :) ! It is a humble gift to the soul of my life - My Sister Preethi..

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Preethi was a very affectionate & passionate girl. She was 12 years old. And one day, as she went to school with her brother, she saw an old lady selling rose flowers. She fell in love with the roses on first sight.

“Amma, how does the old lady get those beautiful roses ?”, asked Preethi innocently when she returned home.

“She grows rose plants at her place dear. That is how she gets them”, replied her mom.

“Can I too grow such rose plants and get roses from them too?”, asked Preethi with loads of enthusiasm.

“Sure dear. We will plant one at our place tomorrow”, replied her mom lovingly.

That night, Preethi was really excited. Every moment of that night, She had kept thinking of how she would plant, how she would water the plant regularly, nourish it, care for it and get a rose herself. And the following day, her mom did help her plant a stem in their house’s balcony.

Preethi was having the best time of her life that week. She was caring for the plant, watering it, nourishing it – looking after it as if it were her own child. It was her first love. And with the dawn of each day, She would immediately run to the plant to see if a rose had bloomed.

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It was three weeks into her planting the stem. One day, Preethi got up at 5 in the morning. And ran to the plant as usual. But something terrible had happened. Alas ! What did she see ?

Instead of rose that she was expecting to see, she saw a very small bud and a long stem with a lot of sharp thorns. Preethi was disappointed. She wanted a rose and she got thorns ? And touching the thorns was so painful too ! This was the least thing she wanted in life. She now hated her desire to love a rose. She thought that roses aren’t so sweet after all. She now decided to ignore the plant altogether. She stopped watering it. And she decided she would never ever go to the balcony after that day.

It was the 13th of December. Preethi woke up excitedly today. After all, it was her birthday today ! After the early morning rituals, She took the blessings of her mother. It being her birthday, she was lovingly kissed by her dad. He then closed her eyes with his palms and took her to her surprise.

He took her to the balcony !

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When she opened her eyes, Preethi was uncomfortable to see that she was in the balcony. But then, voila ! What did she see in a few seconds ? In the balcony, she saw a beautiful rose. It was the same plant she had ignored 2 months back. It has now grown taller, most beautiful and looked super lovely ! The thorn was still there. But then, the beauty of the rose was too good to notice the thorn ! No one would even care for the thorn now. Even if the thorn were to cause pain, the beauty and loveliness of rose was an experience worthy to suffer the pain !

“But Dad, how is it possible ? I had stopped watering and caring for it ! It had only thorns initially. Where did the rose come from ?”, asked Preethi.

“Dear, a rose comes out of a rose bud. And rose buds are on the stem of the plant. Initially, the thorns grow faster on the stem than the rose does. But if continuously cared and protected for, the rose will eventually come out. When you stopped watering and caring for the plant after seeing the thorns, your mom and i watered, nourished it till we got the rose”, said dad.

“Hmm.. :) Thank you so very much dad”, said Preethi excitedly.

“And that growth is not only about the rose dear. It is also about you. As time passes and as you grow, the bad and troubling qualities in you would seem to be grow faster than the good qualities in you. The thorn like defects in you would seem to become more dominant than the rose like goodness in you. But then, if you fall into the trap and think of yourself as bad, you would be ignoring and killing the rose in you dear ! So, never ever think that there is badness in you. Never ignore the good in you. Never neglect to water yourself for the goodness you have. You will realize dear that in time, by caring for yourself every day and every minute, by valuing the smallest and the bud like good qualities in you, by working on those qualities with love, by not worrying about the guilt of thorns, by understanding that it is all a part of the growth process, one day a beautiful rose will come out of you. A rose that everyone would love. A rose that is so very beautiful. A rose that would just spread joy to everyone who has it. Ignore the thorn. Become the rose dear.”, finished dad.

Preethi could not understand such a heavy philosophy and words of her dad :P. She looked confusingly at her dad. She plucked the rose and immediately ran to give to his brother who was still in his bed sleeping.

Life, Love & Regrets

" Following our love is painful. Forgetting our love is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering "

Said in Page 46,
Book : By the River Piedra, I sat down and wept,
Author : Paulo Coelho
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It was around 3 a.m. on a rainy night. The moon was playing hide and seek in the dark clouds. And as a cool breeze blew melodiously to shave my face, I was there all alone in my room, by the window, with a novel in my hand.

“Following our love is painful. Forgetting our love is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering ”, I read in the book.

Something about those lines struck me hard. Something about those lines made me feel uneasy. Something about those lines made me immediately close the novel without reading it further. And something about those lines took me into my past.

“Given a chance Sai, I would want a life of which I have no desires and regrets”, said one of my best friends during a casual talk. “I neither want happiness nor do I want misery. I just do not want to desire for anything. Whatever I have desired for, I never got it anyways. So, I will take whatever life has to offer and not regret anything. That is the best way to live”, my friend finished.

It seemed a beautiful thought. But then, Something about those words pinched me as soon as I heard them.

“ Is that possible ? ”, I asked my friend immediately.

“ What ? ”, asked my friend.

“A life without regrets.. Is that possible at all ?”, I asked again.

“Yes Sai.. All you need is a lot of mental strength and a bad memory ;)”, my friend replied jocularly.

“Hmm..”, I said.

We changed topics and life moved on. But then those words continue to haunt me through the years. And tonight, as i was reading those lines in the novel, they only served as a gentle reminder for the unanswered question.

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“Heyy heart, are you there ?” asked my mind.
“ Yes dear.. I am always there whenever you want to speak to me :)”, replied my heart sweetly.

“Ya Ya, I know.. So, what do you think about it ?”, asked my mind.

“About what ?”, asked my heart.

“About that only yaar.. The regret.. I have suffered enough now.. I want an answer. Do you think by not desiring anything and by having a bad memory, we can have a life of no regrets ?”

“Hmmm.. What made you think I would have an answer at all to that question ?”, asked my heart.

“Because ‘regret’ is a feeling. And as you always say, ‘feelings are your department and only you know and understand them’ ! ”, replied my mind.

“You have become intelligent in dealing with me.. haven’t you ?”, replied my heart.

“Hmm.. Years of experience with you have taught me that there is no point in arguing with you. So, I am resigned to understanding and accepting your ways”, replied my mind.

“That’s lovely dear.. But then, I still wonder what made you think I can answer that question and moreover, even if I did answer, what makes you think it would be the right one ? !”, asked my heart.

“Would you answer it or not ? Leave the reasoning and judging of its correctness to me.. Just answer !”, commanded my mind.

“Hmm.. There you go ! :) You have already answered that question and that too just now dear ! So, there is nothing left for me to say !”, replied my heart.

“What ? !! Are you crazy ? When and what did I answer ? Heart, I know that you are mad. So, do not prove it to me time and again ! Just talk straight and talk the point please”, said my mind frustrated.

“Hmm ok.. Dear, as you said regret is certainly a feeling ! And so it belongs to my department. But unfortunately, when you and your reasoning, you and your judging, and you and your decision making skills use my regretful ‘feelings’, then things, life and attitudes change !”, said my heart

“I didn’t understand.. Can you be clearer ?”, asked my mind.

“Hmm, let us take the novel’s story for instance. The girl is in love with the boy. Love - a feeling. But she does not have the courage to stand by it. Courage – a feeling. The absence of courage and the pain of his loss thereafter led her to regret it all. Regret – a feeling. And thereafter, she only used regret to make a decision about how her life should be led ahead. She used her ‘regret’ - reasoned, judged and decided - how life should be led from there on. Right or wrong, She decided, based on regret, she wouldn’t love him anymore. She decided, based on regret, that she wouldn’t risk anymore. She decided, based on regret, that she would be strong to never think of her love again. She decided, based on regret, that she would change and want nothing from life because she never got what she wanted in the first place ! She decided based on the regret that she would forget her past. And she made and followed all her decisions based on that one feeling and to avoid that one feeling – Regret !”, said my heart.

“Hmm.. ”, said my mind.

“And as you see dear, while there were three great feelings involved in the story - love, courage and regret – in the end, she used only regret to make all her decisions and and changed her life accordingly.”, said my heart.

“Hmm.. So do you say it is wrong ?”, my mind asked.

“It is not for me to say that dear. To reason it as right or wrong is your department. But then, did you think as to what has she got so far for all the decisions she made based on regret ? She got “Silence”, which she interprets as peace and which she treats as “no regrets” anymore !”, finished my heart.

“How do you know that its not peace, no regrets and only silence ?”, asked my mind.
“Because, peace, regrets and silence are all feelings dear :)”, said my heart.

“Hmm.. So what do you say ? A life of no regrets is impossible ?”, asked my mind.
“No dear.. It certainly is possible”, replied my heart.
“Huh ? !! How is that possible ?”, asked my mind.

“Sai dear, every human being is bestowed two critical abilities - An ability to think and an ability to feel. But then which of the abilities is the master and which of the abilities is the slave is what makes the difference between loving our life and regretting our life”, said my heart.

“Hmm..”, said my mind.

“Dear, When you use our thinking to follow my love, when we together exhibit strength & endure the pain of our love, when we show courage to stand up for what we love - We begin to experience, live and love life. And in that lovely life no matter what troubles come in our way, no matter how painful those troubles may be, no matter how humiliating those troubles can be, and no matter how many sacrifices need to be made, in the end – Our love will win. Dear, Right from a simple love to study higher, or love to work in a creative field, or any love that you are passionate about - you have to use your thoughts, your hardwork, your time, your strength and even your pain, humiliation and sacrifices to go after what you love. In short, if you follow me and go after what I want, I can lead you to a life of where we don’t feel any regrets. But if I were forced to follow you and do what you want, I am sure we both will regret in the end. And that is because to follow your decisions in itself is a great regret for me. It is, for me, equivalent to accepting that the love i hold in me is something inferior to the thoughts and decisions you make.”, said my heart passionately.

“How dare you say that ? ! You say following me makes you regret ? ! Remember heart, It is my mental strength that keeps you unaffected of failures ! It is my mental strength that keeps you away from feeling miserable. It is I who save you from getting hurt ! And it is I and my intelligence who get you the respect people give you. And you say you regret following me ?”, retorted my mind angrily.

“Hmm dear.. What mental strength are you talking about ? Strength is in following what you love. Not in running away from it. And it is not me who is afraid of failures dear. It is you. It is not me who needs other’s respect. It is you. Remember Sai, in the end, the people whose words you are following, the people whose decisions you are living and the people whose respect you are craving for will all leave the world. They have to leave. The only person who will be with you is me and unfortunately you are making me ‘empty’ & ‘silent’. And with an ‘empty’ and ‘silent’ me, all you can do in the end is regret Sai. On the contrary, if you were to follow me, not care about what people say or think, not care about the rules established for you to follow, not be scared of the challenges that come your way, then in the end when you and me are alone, I’d have love, you’d have memories and together we would have ‘lived’.”, finished my heart.

“Hmm.. Sounds romantic ! But totally impractical. Who on earth would understand that I was following you and that I was in love and for love. Who would understand that I am and I would in the end not regret anything that I do ? And who would respect me for it ?”, asked my mind.

“Sai, when you understand yourself and when you don’t regret what you do.. there is no need for anyone else to understand you ! But when you don’t understand yourself and regret not having done what you wanted, it doesn’t matter who else understands you ! Because their understanding is of no use to you then ! Also, any respect out of such useless understanding, is worthless too. So, as long as you understand yourself and follow your love, even if the whole world thinks you are crazy, it'll make no difference to you. But then if you don’t understand yourself and cannot in the end justify what you did with your life, even if the whole world respects and understands you, it’d make no difference to you !”, replied my heart.

“Hmm.. And how do I know that what you have said is all the right thing to do ? ”

“Hmm.. Sai, in the matters of the heart and feelings, there are no right or wrong decisions. There are only “Human” decisions. And yet inspite of it all, if you want a proof, you’d see that when you are born as a human child Sai, you are expressing and seeking love. When you are dying all alone or amongst your loved ones, you are again expressing and seeking love. Even in between, at all the critical points of life, you are expressing and seeking the love of the almighty. And yet every time a decision to follow your love needs to be made, you “think” ! And it is such a shame Sai that you even think before following your love ! It is nothing more than an insult to the very love that you are born, brought up and die in. Just remember this one thing Sai – Greatness, respect, obedience, name, fame, satisfaction and peace may all lie in liking what you do and making me follow you, but then LIFE lies in doing what you love and making you follow me ! Remember Sai, we – the heart and the mind - only live once together in this world ! And who is the master and who is the slave is what will make the difference between love and regret over your life.”, said my heart.

My mind didn’t speak after that. I moved to my table, calmly opened and began reading the novel again. And as i turned page after page to read out what the girl in the story has eventually decided to do in her life, there was a storm in my heart & rain in my eyes.

My Life's Most Inspiring Day - Part 1

I felt as if a thousand angels were dancing around me. It was a strange sense of joy that I was experiencing for the first time in my life ! It was a feeling of blood rush and adrenalin that had never happened to me before. It was a feeling that I am unaware as to how to express. It was all about a moment when, 16 years after my birth, for the first time ever, I was holding a cricket bat in my hand !

Like every average Indian, I was born with a mad, blind love for this game called Cricket. Unfortunately, my health conditions & disability, apart from the excessive affection and tender care my parents had for me ensured that i never got to play it till then.

That summer though, I had just finished my 10th board exams. There were two months of holidays ahead. And after one complete week of persuasion and emotional protests, I finally earned what I had been so desperately longing all my life. I had earned for one day - the permission to play cricket in the open grounds with all my friends !

Every second of that evening is still fresh in my memory. It was around 4 30 in the evening that day. I had dreamt of that evening all through the previous night. I had imagined all the possible shots that I would play for a given ball and the number of different ways I could get a batsman out. Much to my excitement, I also found out that I was a left hand batsman and a right arm bowler. “A rare gem I am”, I excitedly thought to myself. :)

I couldn’t sleep all night. I even visualized friends calling me up and saying that they would want me in their team throughout the summer after my performance in the coming evening. I thought with that one innings, I could change everyone’s life and attitude towards my playing cricket and spent all night imagining it.

The evening had arrived. Desperate to run away to the play ground, I was now gulping through the boiling horlicks that my Mom gave me. She looked more nervous today than I had ever seen before. Infact, the boiling horlicks was a deliberate tactic by her to delay my entry into the playground ! And as she ensured that every inch of my body was well protected & cared for, she was passing on millions of instructions to me on how I shouldn’t stress myself much and on how I should stay and play only in the shadows. She also suggested dad that he stay at the ground after dropping me there. I vociferously protested this suggestion of hers and won that protest too. It was a day when I was destined to win everything, I thought.

There were 15 players in all at the ground. Only a couple of them were known to me. Both of them were my classmates at school. Dad left after dropping me there and re-repeating mom’s instruction set. Much against my wishes though, he had also spoken to my classmates before he left and asked them to take care of me. He wished me all the very very best.

Although, it was just another evening of play, fun and frolic for 14 of those players it wasn’t the same for me. It was the biggest evening of my life. It was an evening that I had only imagined till then. It was dream stuff for me. And looking back at it today after all these years, dream stuff it certainly turned to be !

“Sai, you will be a joker”, said a tall lean guy. I hadn’t known him before and I didn’t understand what “joker” meant. But then, the authority with which he said I would be a joker and more importantly the very term “joker” made me feel as if I wanted to hit every ball of his over for a six right then !

I looked towards my classmate to explain what he meant.

“Sai, since there are odd number of people, one guy gets to play for both the teams. That guy is called a joker”, replied my classamate.

“Woww ! So, I play for both teams ! That’s so damn great ! The tall guy wasn’t bad after all. Guess I am the first guy ever in the history of the game to play a debut game in the same match for both the teams ! You really are a rare gem Sai”, I thought to myself.

“The condition though Sai is that a joker can only bat. He can neither bowl nor field. Additionally, he will be the last to bat for both the teams.”, added my classmate.

I felt as if someone had slapped me hard ! I cannot bowl ! And I cannot field too ! And worst of all, I bat last !! I wondered if Mom had prayed for this in the morning and wanted to talk to her about it immediately ! My heart wanted to scream a big NO to that condition mentioned by my classmate. But then I was scared of loosing even the little opportunity I had. I nodded to indicate my agreement.

As I played for both teams, it would be illogical to say that my team won the toss. Anyways, one team of 7 won the toss and decided to bat first. It was 10 over a side match. I was sitting behind the wicketkeeper and fervently praying that the top 6 get out in the first over itself ! That would give me 9 overs to play. “2 overs to settle down, 3 to consolidate and 4 to slog” – I planned mentally.

Much to my horror again, not even a single person got out in the first 8 overs. Inside, i was fuming like all those volcanoes whose names I had byhearted throughout the month of april. The score was a daunting 76/0. 5 more batsmen to come before I get to bat for this team. 2 overs left. Yet, I was hopeful.

In the 9th over, two wickets had fallen. And the score read 80/2. “4 balls 4 wickets and I get to play 2 balls”, I thought. I was hopelessly hopeful. I also wondered if my dad, during his talk with my friends, had fixed this match to prevent me from batting ! He was certainly capable of doing such things.

As I was thinking all such, the first innings was now done. Half of my dream was broken. The next team was set a target of 92 to win in 10 overs.

Since I neither got to bat, bowl or field in the first innings, I now thought the chasing team was my actual team. Infact, I mentally labeled the chasing team as India and the other team as Pakistan. I was now preparing to thrash the pakistani bowling attack when I get the chance. The question now though was would I get the chance ?

The chase of 92 runs began. And the chasing team had a start that I wanted them to have – They lost 3 wickets in first two overs with almost nothing on the board.

The match moved on.

32/5 in 6 overs. The score line read for my Indian team. 24 balls left. 60 runs to win. Two batsman left. And one of them was Sai – “ Now that is what you call a match,” I then thought ! Infact I wished one more wicket to fall, so that the match would really begin with my entry.

The wish had come true too. It really really was my day ! At the end of the 7th over, the 6th wicket had fallen. The dream moment of mine had now finally arrived.

It must have been about 6:30 in the evening ! The sun, as if to answer Mom’s prayers, was casting long shadows on me and the ground. 16 years after my birth and 17 overs into my debut cricket match, I was holding a cricket bat in my hand ! The entire team was dependent on me for victory. 3 overs. 54 runs. Sai at the wicket. I wished dad was there to see me play !

I was now gearing up to face the first ball ever in my life. Would it be a bouncer ? Would it be a Yorker ? What if I charge down the wicket ? Could I pull the ball on the front foot ?

And as trillions of thoughts were passing through my mind, I saw the bowler. I could not stop chuckling to myself on seeing him. He was the tall, lean guy who made me the “joker”. “God exists and he listens to my prayers too !” I thought on seeing him.

Let us see who is the joker now. 36 runs in this over no matter what, I told myself ! One of my classmates was my batting partner and the other classmate was my by-runner.

“Who the hell needs a by-runner anyways ? If at all something is needed, it is 9 new balls, because each of them is going to disappear out of the ground !”

I was waiting for the bowler to roll his arm over. “If its short – pull, If its a bouncer – hook, If its a Yorker – come down and hit it, If its length – just time it”, my mind was instructing me at a rate it had never done before in life.

And as I took one the most awkward stances ever taken in the history of the game, the moment of my life had finally arrived. But it was a moment that had left me shattered !

It was a moment which even after so many years I can never overcome. A moment that broke all my dreams. A moment that I watched with horror and helplessness. A moment which went onto change my very attitude, philosophy and outlook towards life. A moment which made Mom give me the golden mantra for my life later that evening !

In that life changing moment, as I was waiting for a short ball or a Yorker or length ball and was dreaming to thrash it out of Hyderabad, the tall lean guy had strangely and with a very casual smirk on his face did something I had never expected. Instead of bowling the ball properly, he just rolled the ball along the ground towards me ! He rolled it all along the ground, very slowly and in my direction so that I could hit it easily. And immediately after rolling it, he began speaking to my classmate at the other end as if he did not care what happened to the ball.

I was shocked ! I had lost all my strength in that single moment. Why would he not bowl a proper ball to me ? Is there no umpire here ? Why had he pre determined that I am incapable of hitting anything ? And why was only a ball that rolled along the ground considered fit for me ? ! To all these questions, I never got the answer. All of a sudden, my throat was now choking with pain and anger. The bowler had bowled underarm and rolled the ball along the ground like they do for 2 year old kids. It was the first time in life when so much hope, dream, ambition and passion for something all crashed in a matter of microseconds. The first time in my life, when someone had made a judgement and pointed out my lack of abilities.

And as if to make matters worse, I didn’t hit even that ball and was clean bowled ! I guess life is not only bad when its bad, its cruelly cruel ! My insides were all now imploding and I wished that I no longer existed or was visible to anyone in the ground at that moment.

I put the bat down and walked towards my house with tears in my eyes and questions in my heart.

- Continued below -

My Life's Most Inspiring Day - Part 2

I was back home much before the scheduled time. Mom was furious that I had walked all the way home from the ground. But I didn’t care.

“So, did the prince score a century and take a hat-trick ?”, asked my dad.

I wanted to stare angrily at him but did not have the courage to do so. It was as if everything and everyone around me were just adding to the pain and I could do absolutely nothing. I went down and sat in the balcony. As I sat down staring at the sun merging with the sky, I was wiping out the tears that my blank heart was shedding.

“Anna, did you score a century ?”, asked my Jaanu sis.
And as most of the people who are close to me know and for all reasons still unknown to me even today, she was the only person whom I would not show my bad emotions on. She was the only person with whom I would share everything. And she was the only person who was capable of making me see the brighter and lovelier side of things always.

She pulled a chair and sat down beside me.
“So anna, did you score a century or take a hattrick ? I bet you did both !”, she said affectionately ! Her sweetness felt like snow fall on the lava that was flowing within me.

“No preethu. I got out first ball. I was clean bowled !”, I said.
“He he he.. Wish I was there to see you ! Sai scoring a duck !” she giggled. “So you came running away from the ground after that duck ?” she asked.

Something inside me struck me hard. Her innocent question ripped me apart. What made her think I would run away from the ground ? And infact, she was right ! I really did not want to be there at the ground too anyways. It was just a coincidence that the match had finished.

“No preethu. The match was over. I was the last to bat”
“Oh. That is ok anna. You will hit the fastest century the next time !” said the soul of my life.

“No, I will never ever play this game again preethu. Infact, i will not even watch it from now on. I will be stone hearted towards it from now on. I regret having played it today too.”

It was then that my mom had joined me with her usual glass of horlicks ! I wonder how is that she always feels my hunger and thirst even before I feel it !

“So, why is that our prince will stop watching and playing cricket ?”, asked my Mom.

I had told her and my sis the events of the evening in detail. Dad too joined us. The sun and with it the anger in me had totally set.

After hearing to the whole story, Mom hugged me and took me and sis inside the house from the balcony. She insinuated dad to leave the place and he went on to watch T.V. And then she made us sit down beside her.

“Sai dear”, she said. “What you did today was one of the bravest and most inspiring things I had ever seen in my life ! We are proud of you for what you have done Sai ! You know its not about the score at all, but then the fact that you had the passion, the enthusiasm, the planning, the dream and most important of all, the hunger to be a part of the game and make a contribution to it that makes us proud of you. They are all the qualities that you need to score a century. You had them all and showed it too. We are really proud of you dear !”

“But then ma, why did that boy bowl underarm to me ? Why did he not consider me a normal guy like you all do I asked ?”

“Hmm, you see Sai. This life is very much like cricket. And as in cricket, there are all sorts of characters and balls in life”

“Huh ?”, I looked at my Mom puzzled.

“Hmm.. Sai, in life as in cricket, there are different types of people. And the actions that these people perform are like the balls in an over. Some actions are strict like Yorkers. Some are easy going like length balls. Some are full tosses. Some are unplayable like the bouncers. Why they bowl a particular type of ball, only they know. But then, people like bowlers are capable and do bowl different balls.”

“Hmm..”, I said.

“And as a batsman, what is that is your responsibility ?” asked my mom.

“Never ever get out. No matter what ball is bowled !”, I replied quickly.

“Yes. You should never ever get out ! You should never let the actions of people affect you. You should focus on the action as just another delivery and play as per its merit. Not only people’s actions. Even life’s situations demand you to do such things Sai”

“What does that mean ?”, I asked.

“Well Sai, the one life you have got is like the one opportunity you get to bat. You will be facing different kinds of people as bowlers and different kinds of balls as situations. We, your parents, and your sister would be sitting in the middle of the audience watching you play along with the whole world. We would have coached you to play and would be ready to be there after the match. Your friends and your loved ones constitute your team. Your dream is your target. Every day is a ball. The kind of ball is the situation. The people you meet and those who oppose you are the bowlers”

“Hmm..”

“And among the bowlers, there are people who would sledge. There would be people who would laugh at your stance. There would be people who would keep telling you that the target is impossible. There would be people in the audience who would chant against you ! Remember even Sachin has his haters and you are no exception to opposition !”
“Hmm..”

“And what is that you need to focus on ? Not the sledging ! Not the bowlers ! Not even the coach. You must focus only on the ball. You must focus only on the situation and how you will use it to reach your target. You will relentlessly keep working until you reach the target. No matter how many sledge you, no matter how many ignore you, no matter how many smirk at you and no matter how many don’t even think you are fit enough to play at their level, you will slowly, steadily be making progress towards your target. You have to stay there and play till you get out !”

“But what if get out ma ? I got out the first out ball today”, I asked.

“Hmm.. Yes dear. You got out the first ball today. But then, is cricket all about only one wicket ? 10 wickets have to fall before you are all out ! And in this game called life, you yourself are all that 10 wickets ! Isn’t that exciting ?”, she asked.

My heart was feeling a strange sense of inspiration. It was fascinating to have my angel telling me that the game I loved the most is the very game I will be playing for life. The game I loved the most can also be called as “life”

“And as I said Sai. Each ball is like a situation. And like balls, there are going to be Yorkers, bouncers, full tosses, length balls, wide balls and no balls. And there are going to be many ways in which they will get you out. People will sledge, people will chant against you, people will smirk at you, you yourself might chase a wide ball and get out, you might be run out due to lack of proper judgement, you might be caught in the deep because you did not hit the ball hard, you can be clean bowled too because you couldn’t have a clue about it. But the most important thing is to stay at the wicket and play the game till you reach your target ! Put a price on yourself as a batsman. Do not give your wicket away no matter what and never loose sight of the target.”

“Hmm.. But ma what If I get all out and fail to meet my target ? Won’t they all be laughing at me ? Won’t I have been a burden on my team ? Won’t I have broken all your trust and subjected you all to pressures and whims ?”, I asked.

“Hmm.. Sai, God had created this game and there are two ways to play it. One is to consider this as just a game and play it. And one is to consider it as every thing and play it. There is no wrong method as such. But firstly, it is very important that you play the game. And you must play it with all the passion. There are people who consider that God has already fixed the match and that they would score as many runs as God has willed them to score. Remember Sai, God is a bowler, God is the ball, God is the audience, God is the coach, God is even a friend and batting partner but then God is NEVER the batsman ! Its you and your own free will that is the batsman. And never ever blame him for match fixing. He is just an all round player who plays for you sometimes and who plays against you sometimes. He is like a JOKER. He plays for both the teams. But then he plays only to make you a better player”

“Is God too a joker ?”, I asked even as my heart laughed heartily.
“Yes. And a joker who can only field and bowl. But can never bat !”, said my mom.

“And what about the umpire ma ?”
“Well the umpire is what is called as luck Sai.. It will check if you are playing well. And will sometimes favour you and sometimes favour the bowler. All you can do is to accept whatever comes your way. Else, if you keep cursing the umpire for the decision, you will pay a heavy fine at the end apart from loosing at your wicket.”

“And who are the fielders ?”
“The fielders are those and that who oppose your dreams and ensure that you fail to reach your target. The fielders are not only people they are things too. Money is the best fielder of all in the opposing team. It is the wicketkeeper fielder. It always is behind you and keeps distracting you. You also have criticism fielder, sledging fielder, the bad neighbours fielder, the bad relations fielder, the fear of failure fielder, the overconfidence fielder, the “I will make you tired” field and many others. You have to overcome them all”

“And so you must have a great team too Sai. You will have your best friends as your batting partners. You must have confidence as the bat, self respect as the batting gloves pads and attitude as the helmet. You must exercise self control and most importantly learn that the target will be achieved as team not alone. So play for yourself as well as play for your friends and team. Play to achieve the target. But most importantly play.”

“And ma, what if I loose inspite of all this or what If I play a bad shot ? Should I regret it ?”

“Sai, you first to play to have fun. And then you play to win. The only important thing is that you should play and play no matter what. You should chase the target. You should chase your dreams. There are many people in the world Sai who because of the fielders around them, a bad team sometimes, a bad technique may times regret playing a particular shot and refuse to play ever after. They would never ever play after a wicket has fallen or a bad shot is played. But then Sai, it is the greatest insult to God if because of one bad shot, you refuse to play the game altogether and give the opposing team “win declared”. It would be insult to the audience. It would be a let down to your team, your friends and your beliefs and values. It would be a gross injustice to the batsman who is partnering you and who trusted you with playing the game throughout. So, at least for a fellow batsman and for a fellow human you are not supposed to loose to the fielders, a bad team or a bad shot. They are there all to distract you from getting what you want."

"Remember Sai, it is not courage to regret a bad shot and it is not courage to stop playing the game you love altogether because of it. Courage lies in playing the shot again after you looked ugly playing it once. Courage lies in trying to score till you win. Strength lies not in never regretting but it lies in supporting yourself, your beliefs and the people who believed in you and are playing for you ! Strength lies in playing, playing and playing till you win. So remember Sai, never ever give “win declared” to the other team. Loose but still play. Look awkward but still play ! It is an insult to God to give up and say “win declared” to the opposing team half way. What is that you get by giving a win declare ? Nothing more than an opportunity to sit and watch the game ! You would either become the audience of the game or do the pitch report all life or worse be a commentator. You would become one of those who would consider that toss the only factor that will decide the match. Remember Sai, it is ok to be a looser. But very important to be a player. It is of the utmost importance that you played this game of life with your heart, soul, mind, qualities, friends, family, god and against tough fielders, awesome bowlers and superb balls to achieve an impossible target. Remember Sai, as a player, when you were given a chance - you took the bat and walked out on the ground. You choose to entertain God in this game that people say he created. And to entertain God with your game is the greatest victory you can ever have. Even if people call you a looser after trying, the very fact that you tried, opposed the fielders, played the bowler with the limited ability you have, supported your friends, cared for your beliefs, valued your strengths and stood by them and for the very fact of having played the game passionately and entertained him, God would certainly give you a standing ovation irrespective of the targets you achieved and that is all that matters.”

“Hmm maa.. I cannot say how inspired I am feeling now ! I promise you maa.. No matter what, I will keep playing and playing and playing till I drop dead.”

Mom slapped me on the face. The word “dead” has never been the word she liked, especially when it came from my mouth ! :)

“Remember another thing Sai ! Never use bad words. Never sledge. Never ever discourage a fellow player. If you edge the ball and are caught, walk ! Play hard but play fair. Trust your friends. Give them space. Remember, it’s a team game ! And there are times when friends loose their wicket too. Do not show your emotions. There are times when you run them out or they run you out. Remember, its all part and parcel of the game ! The objective is to have fun, win and entertain the audience. Not to show you are the only best player the world has ever seen. Talk to your coaches called teachers from time to time and learn the game from them. Always be enthusiastic to learn. Do not loose focus and do not get carried away. Remember Sai, You are just a player and God is watching not only your play but also on how you play. So be on the alert.”

“And maa.. one stupid question”, I said sheepishly.
“Yes dear”, said my mom.

“Who exactly is the pitch then ?”
And my mom smiled at the question.

“The pitch is the country you live in dear. It is your very own India. It is your soil and motherland. People will tell you that a true player is one who can and will score more runs abroad and in foreign conditions. But then dear, to play in your country with the support of your home crowd is a fun and experience that is something totally different altogether ! It is the joy, bliss and a blessing of a lifetime ! And it is something you will miss when you play abroad even if you score tons of runs.”

As mom finished thus, that night, I was the most inspired soul on the planet. We all moved to have dinner. And my jaanu sis said that she wanted my autograph and she will be my fan throughout my life, no matter what ! I took her autograph too :)

Almost 10 years have passed since that day. And everytime I face an overwhelming situation I look for an analogy not in the Bhagawad gita, not in the Quran, not in the Bible, not in the movies, not in the people around me.. But I look for an analogy in this game called cricket – the religion of India.

And thanks to my ever inspiring Mom, everytime I look into it, there is an answer. I began playing the game i loved the most.. A game called LIFE !

I Am A Hypocrite, By Choice - Part 1

“ Sai, I am the sort of a person, if I do not like something about someone, I tell it right on their face. I cannot be some person on the inside and someone else on the outside. That’s being hypocritic”, said one of my dearest friends during a very casual talk about an incident at his workplace.

Now, its been years since I had that talk with my friend and yet very strangely, those words had remained etched in my memory forever.

And no matter how hard I tried to bury them as just a casual talk, I never really could do it. And everyday, during the nagging time when my head hits the pillow but the sleep doesn’t hit the eye, I keep thinking and rethinking of the wisdom of those lines. And the more I think of them, the more I loose my sleep.

The loss of sleep is because my heart realizes that those words of my friend were also talking about the ‘real’ me. Infact, they were speaking about something I am not. They innately and pokingly reminded me of my ability to be some person on the inside and someone else on the outside. In short, they keep reminding me that, unlike my true friend, I AM A TOTAL HYPOCRITE.



Friends, I guess time and again in life, we come across situations and more importantly people in those situations, with whom we have a difference of opinion, difference of thoughts, difference of ideologies, difference of approach, difference of attitude, difference of culture or difference of even character.

And all along my life, I have met only two kinds of people with regard to those situations.

One kind being those who take the differences above, talk it out straight and try their very best to set right the differences. Those people are labelled as the ones who are frank, straightforward and no nonsense types when the differences are properly settled eventually. But God forbid, if the differences aren’t properly settled and if there comes no compromise solution leaving the issue contentious on forever, the very same people are labelled as ones with ‘attitude’, as people who are fussy and as trouble making people who give a damn to what others have to say.

And for the same situation, the second kind of people are those who choose to live with the differences rather than actually solving them ! They tend to take the difference in their stride and see if they can appreciate it throughout life. In short, they try and see if they can unwillingly put up the differences or even ignore it for good. And if they come out in this task successfully, they are called as simple, noble people, as diplomats, as people who see the larger picture or as people who live for the greater good. And God forbid again, if they fail to put up living with the differences and eventually burst out someday to become the first kind of persons, they are labelled as actors, back stabbers and worse as hypocrites.

And now, given the knowledge of the above, for years now, I have been left wondering as to what kind of a person should I be ? Should I be someone who is frank, straightforward and carries an attitude or Should I be someone who sees the larger picture, Someone who is for the greater good, is diplomatic and a hypocrite ?

The choice wasn’t easy. It certainly wasn’t. And strangely, it was a ‘choice’. It was a ‘choice’ of being something that I was not. It was a ‘choice’ of being someone that I did not want to be. I had made the ‘choice’.

Knowingly or unknowingly, I had decided to be someone who will live with the differences and appreciate them than express my other side. Wantedly or unwantedly, I had decided to be someone who will withhold the ‘immediate’ expression of my disagreement over any contentious issue. By choice, I decided to be a hyprocrite and give myself time to think of the differences, see the larger picture and greater good.

The question though now remains – Was my choice correct ? If yes, then why is that those words of my friend have left me sleepless for hundreds of nights now ! And also, how long should I be a hypocrite ?

- To be continued -

I Am A Hypocrite, By Choice - Part 2

It was about 2 in the night. I lay on my bed thinking of that very question for hours and hours. Was I right in being a hypocrite ? Was I doing the right thing by not expressing my anguish, dislike for something or someone ? Am I a good person by being a saint on the outside but a horribly ill feeling, fuming person on the inside ?

“Obviously you are not !” , said my mind. “You are not a good person Sai. If you really were to be good, then you should not be feeling bad about anything at all in the first place. No anger, badness or situation should hurt you. No one or no thing should make you feel anything apart from goodness or sweetness. And you yourself know that you are no such saint ! You do feel bad about a lot of things. You do feel bad about a lot of situations. You do feel anger at the ways certain things are dealt with. And so, with a really bad you, your choice of portraying yourself as good was and is absolutely wrong. Take my word Sai, your being a hyprocrite will only hurt you in the long run !” finished my mind.

The thought had hit me hard. I got up from my bed. It was going to be one of those sleepless nights again for sure. Looking for a glass of water, i turned on the table lamp. The cool, neat white light coming from it almost felt like moon light.

And as I picked up the glass to pour water into it from the jug near my cot, the table lamp’s white light fell on the glass forming beautiful rainbow colours on my hand.

“Dear, do you see it ?”, asked my heart.
“See what ?”, my mind said.
“The small little rainbow coming from the glass due to the table lamp’s light”, replied my heart.

I looked for it. Yes, there was a small but beautiful rainbow colours that had formed on my hand.

“Yes, I see it. So what now ? asked my mind a little authoritatively.
“Dear, I feel every human is like that rainbow in his/her heart.”, said my heart softly.
“Huh ? I didn’t understand you”, said my mind.

“Well dear, let us assume for a moment that each of the emotions I feel is expressed by a colour. For instance, let red denote anger, green denote envy, white denote peace and so on and so forth”, said my heart.

“Hmm.. So ?”, asked my mind.

“Well dear, assuming I say I am feeling white now, what would you infer ?”, asked my heart.

“Well, I would like to believe that you are feeling peaceful”, said my mind.

“That is very true. But then white in itself is a composite of 7 different colours. And although it is appearing neat, white and light on the outside, does it mean that it doesn’t have the darker colours of red, green and blue on the inside ?”, asked my heart.

“What are you trying to infer ?”, asked my mind.

“Well, I am not trying to infer anything. But then, I am trying to point out to you that although white appears neat, calm and peaceful on the outside, by your logic it really is hypocritic and a very very bad colour. Isn’t it ? That’s because its real colour is not really white. It contains the darker colours of red, green, blue on the inside which it never shows out”, said my heart.

“That’s stupidity ! Anyways, Can you come straight to the point please ?”, asked my mind with frustration.

“Well dear, like you said, many a times in life, we come across situations in life and more importantly people in those situations, with whom we have a difference of opinion, difference of thoughts, difference of ideologies, difference of approach, difference of attitude, difference of culture or difference of even character. The differences above make us go through and feel so many different emotions, mostly negative ones. And although it is human nature to feel and be affected those emotions, it is upto a priceless possession, the only possession which differentiates us from the rest of living systems on the planet, to determine whether or not we express those emotions out. It is upto that priceless possession to control and ensure we feel neat, calm and unaffected by the hard hitting emotions”

“Priceless possession controlling the emotions ? ! What is that ?”, asked my mind.

“ The priceless possession is you. You the mind”, replied my heart much to the surprise of myself.

“Huh ? Me ?”, asked my mind.

“Yes, you ! It is upto you and your intellect to decide whether or not to follow my ever changing emotions and express the same. That is what all your education is for. That is what all the scriptures are about. And that is what our elders, friends and people have always told us. To not let be carried away by our emotions”, said my heart.

“Hmm, go on”, said my mind.

“Dear, I - the heart, i am like a nuclear reactor. And my emotions whether it be love or hate are like an uncontrolled chain reaction. The situation or person is nothing more than the minimum required thorium to start off the reaction. And once the reaction starts, not even God can stop it from multiplying, no one can stop the energy from building. And if the negative, building up, unstoppable, ever increasing energy is let out, then it causes nothing but destruction. Hope you get the point.”

“Huh ? Energy causing destruction ?? !! The good, noble heart causing destruction ! The sweet heart of everyone ! You consider yourself an equivalent to a nuclear bomb ?? ”, asked my mind a little happy and a lot puzzled.

“You got me wrong. I said I am nuclear reactor and my emotions are like nuclear power. Now, it is upto you to decide what you make of the power from my emotions. You can use your intellect and channel me into a proper energy resource, utilizing it for multiple and good purposes or go ahead thoughtlessly, express it out and destroy others in the process”, replied my heart.

“Hold on ! By that logic, won’t I be destroying myself if I were to keep the energy within myself and keep building it up everytime I see the person or come across the same situation ?”, asked my mind.

“Well dear, that is where true strength, character, goodness and care for a fellow person is really defined. True goodness dear, is not about not feeling bad, but is about having the strength to face what is different and contradictory to you. True goodness lies in having the care to understand the differences, having the character to respect it, the intellect to give yourself the time for digesting it, apart from the vision to ignore it for the greater good and bigger picture. All the situations, persons whom you are not comfortable are nothing more than the minimum required thorium creating radically different emotions. And as weak humans we are bound to feel those emotions. And yet, as good humans we are also bound to ignore them and do what is right even if it means holding ourselves against ourselves. It is like building sheath of lead around your heart to remain unaffected by the building up nuclear power in yourself. You should prevent yourself and use your character to remain unaffected by the potentially destructive energy apart from overcoming it to use it for better and greater purposes”

“But, why should we become so complex when things can be expressed out and sorted out in a much, simpler, straight forward way ! And anyways, I guess the energy that you store within yourself will only explode some day or the other.. So, why not now immediately when things are much more simple and less dangeours ?”

“ If sorting is out only could have been as simple as you said ! As I said, you are dealing with emotions. And to use emotions for dealing with emotions is nothing but aiding the chain reaction dear. As you know, never in the history of mankind, has emotions solved any problems. They have only created decisions. Decisions which we force our intellect to follow. Decisions which we emotionally follow. But we never realise that from wars to peace talks, its only the intellect, work and actions that has resulted in problem solutions. That’s because the problem in itself was the emotion or rather the expression of the same”, said my heart.

“Hmm..” , said my mind.

“And as harsh, cunning and hypocritic it may sound, the best way to go ahead is to understand that to get emotional and feel bad is nothing but being human. But then to check the expression of those emotions and prevent a spill over from happening is what is the responsibility of a wise human. That is what all education is for. That is what all intellect is for. They are to help us decide which emotion to express, when to express, how to express, where to express and what to express. The which, when, how, where and what is primarily the time given to a fellow person as well as yourself to understand the situation and help it become better by mutual cooperation and self intellect, thought processes – not emotions. And if somewhere down the line, the time matures and emotions are expressed, you will be called a hyprocrite for delivering the emotions late and keeping it under wraps all these days. But then the delay in expression of it was for your own and the greater good. It means that you have given yourself as well as the other person and most importantly inconveniences a chance to correct by itself. And I for one passionately and totally believe that humans possess enough intellect to understand & correct themselves and their mistakes over time. Time, friendship, cooperation, love is all they need and for giving them that time, your being a hypocrite is a very very small price to pay” finished my heart.

“I would not still agree with you”, said my mind.

“Hmm, I know. It’s a life long battle Sai. And whether right or wrong, you have always followed me. This is just one more occasion. It is upto you to decide. But then unless you are fully convinced, be a hypocrite. Because years later people’s minds forget the words, the situations, the actions and the decisions you gave them. They will only and only remember forever how you made them feel for what they were.”, replied my heart.

I drank the water and turned off the lights to hit the pillow waiting for sleep.

Dreams & Discouragement - Part 1

I am not sure how old I was when my Mom first told this short story to me. But then, I must say that the moment i heard it, it did leave me changed. It was a story that inspired me for obvious reasons. It was a story that gave me a strange sense of strength every time I read it or reminded myself of it.

The story went on something like this.

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Long long ago, in the deepest of jungles, a group of frogs were traveling together. They were on their way to a city. It was going to be a long and tiring journey. And one day as they were traveling their path, two of the frogs unfortunately fell into a deep pit.

The pit was very very deep. And as soon as the two frogs fell into it, the other frogs gathered around. They saw how deep the pit was.

A few minutes of silence later though, with the other frogs watching on, the two frogs began to jump around in the pit trying to get out of it.

Seeing the efforts made by them, the frogs that were outside felt sympathy for the fate of those two frogs. The pit was really really deep and there was no way those two frogs were going to get out of it. Yet those frogs were silent and knew not what to express. They could neither leave the place nor do anything. They were merely staring at the efforts of those two frogs endlessly.

Meanwhile, the two frogs in the pit were still jumping and jumping, trying to get out it. The repeated attempts though yielded nothing but failure.

Seeing those repeated attempts fail too, a few frogs now got hopeless and left. The others too were beginning to loose hope. Yet they watched on for that extra second.

The failure to get out still continued. And with more and more attempts of the two frogs failing, the rest of the frogs outside were now totally dejected. And now neither able to leave heartlessly nor able to hope hopelessly, out of sympathy, they began asking the two frogs to give up and spend the last few moments in calm and peace.

But those kind words of sympathy did not have any effect on the two frogs. They kept trying and failing.

The repeated failures inspite of the “give up and get safe” advice now converted the sympathy of the frogs outside into frustration. They began to shout at those two frogs to give up.

And with each failing attempt, the shouting only grew louder. Such were the number of failures now that abuses were now being hurled at those two frogs.

Finally, with hundreds and hundreds of attempts failing, with only little strength left and with 100’s of ‘sympathetic’ frogs asking to give up, one of the two frogs gave up. And within moments of giving up, the frog died of heartstroke.

Inspite of this, the other frog hadn’t given up as yet. It did not even notice for a moment that the other frog had given up and died. It just kept jumping, jumping and jumping. Seeing that this frog was adamant, the frustrated frogs outside started showering louder abuses and asked it to give up too. They said that if the frog doesn’t give up, it will die of a heart stroke too in a few moments. But with each of the abuse thrown at it, the other frog only seemed to gain more energy and tried even more vigorously.

More and more attempts failed. All the frogs were now yelling together at this frog to give up. A few of them even showered mud on it out of anger cursing it to die. And yet the frog inside the pit kept jumping, jumping and jumping.

And after hundreds of attempts, eventually, as if by a miracle, against the greatest of odds, against everyone’s expectations, the other frog had jumped out of the pit. The onlooking frogs were astounded. It was by pure luck that this frog’s leg got stuck to something half way through the pit and from there it jumped again. The chance of such a thing happening was one in a million and yet it had happened. It was absolutely impossible but yet it happened.

Having witnessed the miracle, all the frogs were asking this frog as to what kept it going. They asked the frog as to what inspired it to try in spite of the 100’s of failures and everyone shouting against it.

But to everyone’s surprise, the frog was not answering anyone on the question.

It said “Thank you friends for inspiring me to keep jumping no matter what ! Thank you for the hope you all had shown in me inspite of my friend having died half the way. And thank you so very much for trying to throw mud into the pit sometimes so that I can get out with the level raising. Thank you for every bit of inspiration you all have provided me. I see that you all are wanting to ask me something now. But unfortunately dears, I am deaf by birth and I cannot hear ! So, please excuse me if I am not answering your question properly ”

The deaf frog had thought of the abuses too as encouragement and kept trying to jump out. That was the inspiration behind its trials.

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Now, its been atleast a decade since the above story was told to me by my Mom ! And whether for good or for bad, it had changed me. It had changed my attitude. It had changed the world I saw around me. How did it, Why did it and Where did it ? That’s coming up soon :)

- To be continued -

One Memorable Day of My Life - A Personal Blog - Part 1

“Poor boy, you look so nice and good, why had fate been so cruel to you ?”, asked an old lady as I was waiting below the only tree outside the visa consulate office in Chennai.

I had never seen her in my life and neither did she know me. I was standing for almost an hour, abled by my crutches and holding on to all my documents needed for the interview. And she was selling flowers just close by there. I didn’t know what to reply her with as I was reminded of one more such question long back.

“So are you ‘really’ going to go to the U.S and live there alone ? Are your parents too allowing you to do this ?”, asked the watchman outside the exam centre for G.R.E. He too had seen me struggling and waiting for about 3 hours outside the building.

A fight with them or a talk against them would have been of no use. They’d think “As such he is disabled. And adding to that look at how egoistic and talkative he is. Guess that is the reason he is disabled. No wonder God punished him.” Such is the attitude of most people. Fight by a disabled brews hatred, silence brews gossip and overcoming the difficulties sympathy.

I thought I would write about them in some forum or some magazine. But then writing in disabled forums, after being silent infront of those two people, would be an insult that I would be inflicting on a fellow being from their backs. And i didn't want to do that.

Inside me I was fuming then and wanted to shout, “Why the hell on earth are you bothered of my fate and dreams ?”. But then if i do that, she'd say that she was only expressing her sympathy and niceness to me while I inturn was being rude to her !

So, I thought I should follow my words i once wrote in my blog. I thought i would convert her statement into a morale booster and become even more passionate about what I want. I smiled at her and moved on. She was happy that I felt her ‘sympathy’ for me and wished me all the best.

I got my Visa an hour later and made preparations for journey back to Hyderabad from Chennai. I wanted to see the old lady and boast to her of my success but she was no where to be seen.

That evening though, while returning in the train, I was wondering what if I didn’t get the visa. I was wondering what would have happened not only to my life but also to my attitude with regard to the old lady. Would I have wished to see her ? Would I have smiled at her when I returned with a failure too ? “Certainly not, you are no angel”, said my mind ! “Had you not got the visa, you’d have atleast said a couple of scathing words at her on seeing her and got off your anger and disappointment on her. And that infact would have actually helped a few people like you who’d face her in the future even if it meant you were bad. And now, this visa of yours is only a ticket for her to commit further sins and a chocolate to a crying baby in you that was hurt by her words but on seeing the chocolate is trying to forget it.”

“Hmm. I’ll not let that happen. Like people break coconuts at the temples, I promised myself that day that I’d do one act for people like me who had to face people like her. I’ll prove and at the same time make everyone see the proof that I am worth no less and that it was her fate actually which made her question me on my disability while overlooking her own state. ”, I thought.

I came to the U.S. very well remembering the promise I made to myself. I had to prove that I was worth the dream as well make people see it.

So, as three months passed and as I was well settled here apart from earning a contract of research scholarship for my studies, I thought I should start to work on my promise.

I thought i would write, write elaborately and write passionately against people for their attitudes towards the disabled. But then I was damn very sure that no one would read it purely for its length and that it’d not have the impact I promised myself to make. It would be like I attempted and intended to fulfill my promise but failed in its execution.

So words will not work. I told myself.

I had to make a hard hitting statement. Something which without saying anything says everything. Not only about me but also people like me. Something I thought that’d show the world through actions and not words what I and every disabled person was at heart – Courageous, risk taking, loveable, sensitive, caring, daring and full of life.

And I was looking for one act that would summarize and show it all. That was when I came across the advertisement for skydiving. An act that would require a person to take a flight from Chicago, U.S.A., go upto 14000 feet in air and tied to another person, jump out from the plane falling freely for about 12000 feet before pulling the parachute to land.

“That is exciting”, I thought. “And that would make everyone see what I wanted them to see ! A Courageous, Risk taking, Daring and full of life Sai”

One Memorable Day Of My Life - A Personal Blog - Part 2

So, 24 hours from the time I saw that ad, I called up those people, arranged for an appointment for the weekend. I had got my medical certificates ready in case any people object to it on medical grounds. It was as if I was on a mission.

After I met them up on the said appointment date, the people involved in skydiving said that its only the people in the army/those are physically very fit and fine having regular exercise, diet and stuff, who are eligible to do it and any other person would be risking his/her life. I said I’ll go ahead no matter what but then also told them that i wanted the entire act to be video taped. After many objections including a few from my own parents and several statements of guarantee from me stating that I was doing it on my own risk and willingness, my mother’s birthday 21st of june 2008 was fixed as the date for the act.

On that day, at 4 in the morning, me and a group of my friends here took a car and travelled about 150 miles to a place close to Chicago. An awesome journey that was ! Full of vibes, energy and fun. We played loud rock music to pump my adrenalin up and all through the journey were shouting our throats out with fun for what was about to happen.

We arrived in the field of play at 6 30 in the morning. The team that I was supposed to fly with was already there. The temperature was around 5 C in the open. But having experienced the winter of Madison which had temperatures of -10 C on average throughout the year, it was like summer afternoon.

So, me and my friends had high fives before I was dressed up for the act. An Indian flag was handed over to me by my friend for the occasion. The team that I was supposed to fly and jump with was also at its perfect best. They professionally checked, double checked, triple checked and cross checked every equipment that’d be involved in the act. The slightest error could prove fatal and I knew it too.

And at 9 in the morning, all was set. I was dressed up in blue and in a way that’d represent some astronaut. My friends accompanied me till the plane, pushing me in my wheelchair. I was lifted into it and made to squat. My legs, which serve no other purpose except making me photogenic, were tied together. I was asked to rethink my decision again and I refused to back out. So all was set.

At 10 00 a.m. precisely, the flight took off. And within minutes me and my team of professional skydivers and video recorders were up at about 15000 feet traveling at 500 miles per hour. The team asked if I was ready to take the plunge and asked me to have a look out of the window to see what I am up against. I saw the borders of three states beautifully lined, green fields and what my act would mean to those people who are laughed at for their dreams. I said “Let’s go !”. There were claps all around.

And in a few seconds, I was at the tip of the plane’s door with my friend. He asked me what I was feeling. I said “On top of the world !”. And he replied “You must be a psycho” :)

The plane was traveling at almost 600 mph now skywards. I was staring at three states for records and literally the whole world ! My heart was pumping blood with a pressure of some water flood and I could feel it. The winds were hitting me like a tornado would be hitting a house. And I was ready to be blown off. It was a strange sense of peace, love, happiness and thrill.

“We are ready to jump !” my teammate said and even as I could hear that completely, he jumped.

And there I was feeling like a bird. Shouting my heart, out of the excitement I was in. Shouting my mind, out of the anger which made me to do it. Shouting my love out to my mom, who was celebrating her birthday and had no clue as to how I was wishing her that day. Shouting my pain out at the way the world was indifferent to the sufferings of a fellow being. Shouting my frustration out at the way people kill a person’s dream with Gossip, back talking and a sardonic smile. Shouting at the injustice meted out since centuries to people like me.

The free fall continued for 9 minutes. The winds blowing at 500 MPH were tearing the skin out of my face. All this was being video recorded and photographed.

We were 2000 feet above the ground now. I could see the entire city of Chicago with just a glance. I saw Lake Michigan and it was as beautiful as Asin, my favourite heroine. :) I chuckled to myself at that thought even as we were fast hitting the ground and any malfunctioning in the next step would mean I would become history rather than creating one !

My team mate was in the heights of excitement. He asked me if I was ready to pull in the parachute as we were some 1500 feet above the air. I said yes. And he asked me to go ahead. I pulled the lever for it and it was as if I had put sudden brakes to a car that had traveled at some 100 mph. I was experiencing a tremendous pull of weight and me going up rather than falling down. The sudden pull hurt my back but I managed to hold my nerve as I handed over the lever to my friend.

And what happened from there on was, is and will remain one of the most romantic moments of my life. We were literally standing still at about 1000 feet and it felt God to be still, above the world, watching the toy cars, watching the rush people were in to go to their offices, watching my friends who were in anxiety about what’d happen to me, thinking of my mom who had no clue what I was doing and being myself in what I was doing.

And through all these, My friend maneuvered the parachute and we swirled our way to the ground. One metre of swirling would cover 10’s of kilometers of the windy city. And it certainly was windy today, I thought !

And at about 50 feet above the ground, when it wasn’t as exciting as the free fall and when I knew that all had gone tremendously well, I was waiting for us to reach the ground and celebrate it all.

As we moved down further, I could now see my friends waiting eagerly. We would be there in a few seconds. Me and my friends saluted the flags we were with and at the video camera.

And 12 minutes after I was at the tip of the plane, top of the world, heart racing with love, frustration, anxiety, anger, expectations and adventure, I was at the ground having fulfilled a promise I made myself an year back.

My friends congratulated me and we had high fives again. We started celebrating even as the video was being played on my laptop. We had group photographs taken and began our journey back home. And thus one of the most memorable days of my life ended.

I wished my Mom a happy birthday later that evening passing her the video over the internet and as i did that I thought of the old lady and the watchman who once asked me of my fate and abilities, wondering if I can share the fairy tale day with them.


Hereby providing the links to the photographs of the event as well as the video of it :)

Photographs
http://picasaweb.google.com/happy.blissfull/SkyDiving#

Videos
Video-1 : The Jump
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bOOcDfocu4

Video-2 : The landing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1eGIpJTc0-0&feature=related