A Philospher's Peace Or A Warrior's Death.. ?

There are times, when for no specific reason, you feel empty in life. You feel, as if, you are punished for a mistake you never knew you committed. You feel as if, you have to silently bear everything that comes your way and express your nobility by not reacting to it. You feel as if, suffering is your only birthright and you will get your daily dose of it. And it was one such night for me. It was a night where my entire life was in front of me and it began asking its age old question – “Why did you have to choose the latter Sai ? Why did you have to choose the latter ?”

I believe, at one point in everyone’s life, there comes a moment - when a person has to choose between the philosophy of peace and the glory of a warrior. One path takes him to a state of eternal calm, bliss and a life of no troubles. The other path takes him through darkness, wildness, adventure, madness, fame, pride, passion, love, hurt, hate and a possible eventual happiness. When that moment of choice came in my life, I chose the latter. I had my reasons.

Unlike the peaceful philosopher, I preferred to achieve things that I wanted, than wanting things that I had. Unlike the peaceful philosopher, I considered desires as the source of creation, growth and achievement than consider them as the source of destruction. Unlike the peaceful philosopher, I considered emotions as horses that will take me to my destiny than consider them as wild, uncontrollable and hurting. Unlike the peaceful philosopher, I preferred possessing attachment to my work, having passion for my world and expecting love from my people. And unlike the peaceful philosopher, I never cared for peace.

And today, years after beginning the journey, as I suffer each minute in the path i have taken, my life was reminding me of the choice I made. It reminded me of how I had neglected peace, for being a warrior. It was taunting me repeatedly. It questioned me relentlessly until I wanted to reply back. It hurt me until I wanted to ask, “Oh life, what is peace anyways ? To do nothing, get nothing, be nothing and therefore, not be in trouble for anything ? If that is called peace, then what is a waste of life ? Why, in the name of peace and settlement, are you forcing me into ‘stagnation’ till death ?”. But given my past experiences with life, I had no courage to speak back. And anyways, who am I to ask such a question ? I am just a warrior. I’d probably not even know what peace really means.

When I was a child, my mother told me that life is a mortal opportunity to create for yourself, an immortal name. When I was a student, my teacher told me that I must create a world that is a better place for at least a few people to live in. When I was young, I dreamed of living in a way that, when I die, life itself misses me. And today, i dream of nothing but building a world, far better than it was when i arrived. All life, I was born to be a warrior. I was raised to be a warrior. I dreamt of being a warrior. And yet, when I start behaving like one, the question of peace within life arises ! People put in me a fear, before I try. They put in me, a warning against my love. A mockery at my attempts. A lack of respect against my past. An indifference against my present. A hatred for my future.

And when I think of all these, I only want to ask “Oh people who have found peace in your life, what have you made out of your peace ? You all believe not wanting anything in this life will lead you to happiness. Not attaching yourself to anyone will keep away from suffering. Not expecting anything out of yourself will keep you out of troubles. You all teach me to just exist in the moment, having no desires, no expectations and no wants. But oh peace lovers, is that not how an animal lives ? Why are you trying to convert me into society’s, my family’s and God’s pet animal ? In the end, what reasons will anyone truly love me for ? You all say that true love needs no reasons. And since god and family’s love is true love, they’d need no reasons to love me ! But oh peace seekers, this reasoning too has always surprised me. It has left me stunned everytime I hear it. Can love exist for no reason ? Haven’t everyone in the world secretly, but truly experienced that a love that begins for no reason, a love that exists for no reason – will also become a love that ends for no reason ? Oh peace seekers, even a mother cannot love all children of the world, in the same way as she does her own child. Why then are you forcing me to take the gamble, renounce every creation of God as an illusion and hope that he will love me for no reason ?’

“Oh peace lovers, what can I say of your philosophies ? I wish I could be like you all. But then, no matter how hard I try, I cannot. In fact, I will not. I can neither refuse to see the fallacy in your own arguments nor can act as if I don’t want to see it. Oh peace lovers, I tell you all something openly and honestly today. I tell you all that - although I am a warrior who is afraid of what uncertainties life will take me into, although I am a warrior who will suffer due to unimportant things, although I am a warrior who is constantly doubting the very way of my life, although I am a warrior who says ‘yes’ to life, when the world wants me to scream ‘No’, although I am a warrior who will be fought against, defeated and hurt in the end, although I am a warrior who will be insulted by everyone for trying, lied to -for loving, hurt to -for trusting and although I am a warrior who will never have peace in my heart – I am fine with it ! But I want to be a warrior. I want to try things in life. Try what I most want. I want to be loved for a reason. A reason I created. A purpose I achieved. I want people’s love to inspire me and help me create a world of mine. That is how I define its trueness.”

“Oh peace lovers, I want to be a warrior who believes in accepting the gift of life that God presented me whole heartedly. In accepting that gift with desires, thanking it with celebrations, loving it with worldly attachments, and in the end gift it back to him after adding more beauty and love to it, through my actions. I want to be a warrior who plays, celebrates and attempts to win this game of life, God threw me into. I want to be a warrior who lived, loved and left life like God’s proud son, treating the world as a family. I want to be a warrior who attempted to make God’s creations on this planet better than it was when I arrived. I want to live like the child he created me, like his child. I want to live intensely, madly, happily and crazily. And if in the process, I have to encounter your countless insults, I will accept them. If I have to be laughed at, so be it. If I cannot feel peace, I don’t want it. But then, through all these, I will continue to keep wanting things, expecting love, working hard, getting hurt, living hard, celebrating harder- and most importantly keep trying forever. I will be a warrior who attempted to create a heaven here, now and in my own life. A heaven for myself, my family, my people and for God. And regardless of whether I succeed in doing it, what I know is that my attempt to do so in itself is definitely better than your peace, which insults life as something useless, attempts to mock expectations as hurting, attachments as a sin, puts a fear towards change, and punishment for trying. Oh philosphers of the world, I hereby swear that till the end of my life and thereafter, I seek to love life with the actions of a warrior, than to just exist as life in the name of peace.’ Strangely, that night, having answered life back in its own language, I slept in peace.

The King & The Kingmaker !

Sometimes, an entire life boils down to one decision. Happiness shall never be a part of life from thereon. There shall be no joys in your smile, no comfort in anything you do. You look insane in the eyes of others and feel crazy in your own heart. How can you take life from thereon ? To what avail, shall you live life from thereon ?
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Laugh, but cry
Live, but die
Life is a dream, we are dreaming
Day by day
I find my way
Look for my love and its meaning
( Then you look at me – by Celine Dion )

As the painfully beautiful song continued to play in my iPod again, I realized that ‘they’ were there by my side. It was a queasy feeling. I did not want them there. Not again ! Yet, I knew i could do nothing about it. I was at their mercy. I tried ignoring them, by trying to read a novel.

But then, it was another of those ungodly hours on a restless night. Just as the dark clouds were robbing the moon’s light -my mind’s thoughts were robbing my heart’s peace. As minutes passed and as I flipped through the novel’s pages, I knew I had no option but to surrender to those three. I knew I had to respond to those three. I knew I had to fight those three. I knew 'those three' awaited my fight.

Those three personalities – the three personalities I am most scared of. The three personalities that I spend most of my time with. The three personalities that I most care for. The three personalities who are with me all the time. The three personalities called - My past, My present and My future. They were there that night, by my side, waiting to hear from me.

For those who are strangers to them, my past is a personality I am never comfortable with and probably will never be comfortable with too. She has this mysterious face, which is very difficult to describe. Her eyes feel beautiful, cold and tough – all at the same time. She reminds me of my decisions, my mistakes and my guilt. I try to see beauty and joy in her, but fail. I try to see goodness in her, but feel an indifference. I attempt to see happiness in her, but get a sharp pain. I believe that she is like a seductive mermaid, who tempts me into being with her and then punishes me for having given in. She leaves me tempted for joy, and suffering in pain.

On the other hand, my present is like my little child. She is someone whom I love to be with all the time. She is pure, innocent, but prone to hurt. She constantly endures my cruel past, yet foolishly believes in coming out victorious someday. She does not have the power to stand on her own, but imagines to rule the world with her love. Inspiration and pity- that is what I feel whenever I am with my present.

My future though, is what I believe in the most. She is my best friend. Although, only god is aware of her nature totally – I feel she is loveable, truthful and hopeful. My heart lives for her. My mind slogs for her. My work is dedicated to her. And most importantly, my life trusts her. She is one and probably the only reason, which keeps me going.

‘You can never get over me, can you?’, asked my past teasingly as if she were undeservingly punishing me for some wrong again.

‘Ignore her and focus on your novel Sai. Increase the volume of your iPod’, said my future.

‘Ohh honey, if he could have ignored me, he would have ignored me. And we would not be having this discussion now !’, said my past to my future in a voice of arrogance.

My present was already feeling troubled. I was feeling anxious. It was going to be a tough night.

‘Sai, trust me - what the world says is all a lie’, my past said.
‘Hmm, what is that lie ?’, I asked finally giving in to her temptation.
‘The things they say about people and time dear. About how people change. About how time heals everything ! It is all a lie’, my past said.

‘Hmm’, i replied.
‘Time heals nothing. In fact, it only makes things worse. You know it’, she said.

‘Hmm’, I said.

‘Just look at me. I am your past. Day after day, I have grown stronger and stronger. I have become a tougher and tougher burden to carry ! I have only been hurting you more. I have given you nights like these every time’, she continued.

‘Hmm’, I said.

‘I feed of your thoughts for me. Your thoughts keep me alive. Your feelings give me the strength. Your little child called present gives me the soul’, my past continued.

‘hmm’, I said.

‘You wouldn’t give me up. You cannot get over me. You are a slave to me and cannot live your life without me !’, my past said.

‘That is true’, I said.

‘And you know what Sai ? Someday, I would leave you with nothing more than a stinking guilt, pain and suffering. I would have killed both your present and your future. I would have scarred your life.’, said my past.

‘hmm.. May be ! But I believe you are just flattering yourself’, I said raising my voice against her for the first time.

‘What do you mean?’, my past asked.
‘Well, I mean what I said’, I said.

‘Explain yourself’, my past commanded.

‘Hmm, I do not know where to start. But then dear, for far too long, you have overestimated your ability to control me. For far too long, you have believed that I am your slave and listen to you more than anyone else. For far too long, you have been blind to things I believe in and things that keep me going’, I said.

‘What are you trying to imply ?’, my past asked.

‘You see dear, you are my past. You were born out of my decisions. Decisions I took in the situations, life threw me into. Decisions, which I took out of my own knowledge, ability and skills. Decisions, which I took out of my passion, attitude and love. Decisions, whose results were always going to be uncertain. Decisions taken out of reasons. Decisions taken out of emotions. But most importantly decisions, whose results I was always ready to bear’, I said.

‘hmm’, my past said.

‘So, even before you were born, I knew of your nature. I knew you would sting. I knew what I was creating out of my decisions’, I said.

‘hmm’, my past said.

‘And sometimes, I was into situations, when my entire life boiled down to just one decision - I knew happiness shall never be a part of life from thereon. I knew there shall be no joys in my smiles, no peace in my heart, no comfort in anything i do from thereon. I knew I would look insane in the eyes of others and feel crazy in my own eyes if things went wrong’, I said.

‘Then, why did you make those decisions ?’, my past asked.

‘You see my dear past, some people live life, as if it were a test. You haunt them when they fail. Some people live life, as if it were a game. You haunt them when they loose. Some live life, as if it were a purpose to achieve. You haunt them till they find it. Some live life, as if it were principles to defend. You haunt them when they give in. Some live life, as if it were a wait to the end. You haunt them forever. So, you haunt everyone anyways.' I said.

‘hmm’, my past said.

‘So, my only chance at getting rid of you was by living for someone else -which means living for my present and living for my future ’, I said.

'hmm', my past said.

'The day you were born, the first time you hurt me -I preferred to live for my present and for my future. I preferred to live life like a celebration. That way, you still exist, but you cannot haunt me. You can grow in my thoughts. But, my passion for life will outgrow you. You can hurt my feelings. But my future will comfort me. You can make me suffer every night, but I shall live to build memories every day. You can live with me forever, but under the realization that i would live only for my present and for my future. And for their sake, I am ready to take on any amount of guilt, past, suffering you can throw at me for any number of nights.’

‘hmm, if that is the case, why do you even live with me ? Why do you not just forget me and move on ? Why do you suffer with me so much ?’, asked my past.

‘hmm.. Because dear, I love you and you are a part of me. You are a proof that I existed. A proof that I have tried things in life. A proof that I have made decisions. Followed passions. Created situations. Lived ambitions. To deny you, is to denied my existence. You are the sole price I will to pay, for keeping the life I want to celebrate. The pain you give, adds value to my love. The suffering you put me through, keeps me humble. The thoughts you remind, inspire me to try harder. The lessons you teach, force me to work like never before. The nights I live with you, makes me want the days ahead even more. And dear, while you boast around feeling that you rule my life, just remember – yes, you are the king of my life. You rule my thoughts and feelings. But as someone who had taken the decision to celebrate every moment of my life, celebrate every decision, celebrate every activity, celebrate every work of mine, celebrate my present and celebrate my future - just remember dear, I am the kingmaker. You can hurt me, but I possess the choice to either feel that hurt or transform that hurt into encouragement for my work. You can make me suffer, but I possess the choice to choose that suffering or transform that suffering into an inspiration to live more. You exist, because I choose you exist and i accept your existence as an inspiration, i said.

'hmm', my past said.

'Unfortunately, some people choose your existence, but they forget the reasons for your existence. They forget to give you a purpose for existing. They forget to celebrate a life that is ahead of them ! You took advantage of such people and ruin them into misery. I so very wish that they are released from your stranglehold too’, I said.

'That is none of your business to comment', my past said.

And although i remained awake for the rest of that night, my past no longer spoke. The ipod continued to play that beautiful song, as i remained awaiting a new dawn -a dawn that gives me an opportunity to create a beautiful present, a wonderful future and a lovable past.

Pseudo Secularism - My Best Friend's take

Friends, who know me well, know that I do not have a political ideology nor a religious fervor. Yet, on a lovely Sunday morning, when I read the below e-mail from one of my best friends, I could not hold back. Avinash’s take on pseudo-secularism is an unbiased, logical, thought-provoking, honest and crisp write-up on the real state of our country. While asking some seething questions, it raises a bigger issue that everyone of us have turned our backs onto !

Avi, I will save the below writing as a special work all life :)
Never read and I guess I will never read anything better on that topic.. I am taking the liberty to share it with my friends on my blog :) It deserves to be read by everyone who is interested.. !

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Dear Sai,

Finally, I relented to the strong desire to write on it. Finally, I did take out the time to write. And finally, i feel the necessity to breach the border of what our people call a sensitive topic -"Pseudo-secularism".

10 years ago, I was apolitical. For that matter I was too young to have political inclination towards any Party. Starting 2004, I started understanding the manifestos, ideologies of different political parties.

Back in school, We were taught the meaning of "Secularism" and I thought I knew the meaning of it, But I was wrong,

Political parties re-defined Secularism. I was in a dilemma as to which Political party is secular?

2 big national parties Congress and BJP were at the Fore-front with Congress men accusing BJP of being a Communal force. BJP always said it believed in Hindutva idea logy but never denied that it was Non-secular. Congress on the other was always seen as pro-minority party. India has many religions, but 2 of them were always at war with each other.

One of them was a Majority in this country and other was a Minority.

Last few years as I saw political parties from close quarters, I felt sad at the way Hindus were treated in India. Anyone who supported Hinduism were treated as Communal forces. Everyone knew that Godhra incident was a planned conspiracy by Muslims, the Banerjee Panel appointed by a Pseudo secularist Laloo Prasad yadav submitted a report on the eve of Bihar elections that Godhra incident was an accident which resulted out of cooking being carried within the carriage, and ruled out the possibility of fire having resulted out of any external attack.

Why have the so called (Pseudo) secularists stoop to such level for Minority votes?

Narendra Modi who was the chief minister during Godhra riots(in which both Hindus and Muslims died) will be questioned by pseudo secular media even after 7 years.

The same media does not question Farookh Abdulla or his Son who allegedly carried out the carnage on thousands of Kashmiri Pandits for years. Why is this discrimination? If Mr. Narendra Modi has done a mistake, then Mr.Farookh Abdulla has also done a mistake, a bigger mistake.

Congress has its allies in MIM(which is a hardcore Muslim party), MIM leaders give hate speeches in Hyderabad Mosques about Babri Masjid incident. Babri Masjid is not in Andhrapradesh, but still every Dec 6th, hyderabad is surrounded by Police to stop miscreants.

If BJP is a communal party, then definitely Congress is also a communal party for being pro-minority. Congress is wearing a mask of secularism, No other Political party has insulted and cheated the Hindus as Congress did.

A leading lady editor from NDTV conducted a debate on Terrorism, one of the speakers said "Countries should come together to stop Islamic Terrorism". She was quick to say "Please do not prefix Islam before terrorism, Terrorists do not have any religion". I was impressed with her.

The same lady when conducted a debate on Malegoan blasts asks the speaker "Isn't Saffron Terrorism on the rise in India". I was shocked, All my respect for her was gone. She was involved in the Radia tapes controversy recently.

Today I am surrounded with Pseudo secular Media, Pseudo secular Congress and it allies. My religion is in Danger, I have never felt the need of a savior for my religion as I did today. As I write this, Congress spokesperson says "We are the biggest secular party in this country". I felt all the ghosts of Godhra train accident were laughing at his statement.

Thanks,
Avinash Gajula

The Squirrel, The Monkey, The Bear & The Guru !

Disclaimer:
This blog post has had its birth in my offensive mood. So, just in case it offends someone’s sensitivities, I firstly apologize for the hurt. However, not in the wildest of imaginations, shall I apologize for the content following this. I stand by every word written in it and i mean everything that I wrote. It is probably my way of expressing love for a person who changed my life.

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It was like any other day. It was like any other place. But, nature though had suddenly and silently shaken the world of faith that moment. Time put three diametrically different feelings - love, hatred and indifference - at swords with each other. It made faith, doubt and silence battle out each other. And it was all happening on the banks of a small river.

Virgil, the squirrel was silently crying. A few hours ago, it had received the news of its spiritual Guru’s passing away. It was a pain, that would need years of mourning. Rafiki, the monkey, though was more happy than ever before. He never had any appreciation for the Guru, although given his monkey mind, he would, from time to time, appreciate the humanitarian works done. And Barry -the bear, couldn’t care for anything. He was a sort of atheist by birth and never believed in the principle of Gurus. He thought that the whole concept of divinity, miracles, followers was too foolish to be followed and too insignificant experienced.

It had been four hours since a word was spoken among them. A small, howling wind had just picked up and it swayed the branches of the tree on which Virgil and Rafiki sat. Barry was comfortably resting his back against the trunks of the tree.

Rafiki ( The Monkey ) : Barry, why don’t you say something ? The silence is too eerie.
Barry ( The Bear ) : Say what ?
Rafiki ( The Monkey ) : Well, anything. Just don’t be silent. Something big has happened today. How can you keep quiet ?
Barry ( The Bear ) : Oh.. Rafiki, Just because something big has happened doesn’t mean I poke my nose into it ! And by the way, I know that our friend Virgil believes in the Guru. So, let’s not hurt his feelings.
Rafiki ( The Monkey ) : Oh Virgil, you wouldn’t mind, would you ? I know you wouldn’t. I have always been curious about knowing whether the Guru was really Divine. I personally doubt it. You know, when you see all the videos, hear the rumours, read all the articles, see the BBC news clippings, the commentaries and other happenings – anyone would. In a perfectly rational world, I cannot accept it without doubt.

Virgil was silent in response.

Rafiki (The Monkey ) : So, Barry, now that Virgil doesn’t mind, what do you think of the Guru ?
Barry (The Bear ) : Hmm Rafiki, I don’t know & I don’t care. Personally, I believe that God has no right to exist on earth. I mean you see all this suffering around you. And people say that God is silently witnessing everything. I ask, why should he even witness ? A silent witness to all the suffering happening on the planet deserves more punishment than anything else. If at all there is a true God, he is not doing what is expected of him and what is..

“What do you want Rafiki ?”, interrupted Virgil and speaking for the first time.
“Oh Virgil, you all right ?”, asked Rafiki hearing the almost choked voice of Virgil.
“I asked, What do you want ? Why this discussion ?”, asked virgil.
“Hmm, well, lets say i want the truth”, said Rafiki sensing the seriousness in virgil's voice.

Virgil : What truth ?
Rafiki : Whether your guru is a godman or a conman ! A miracle worker or a cheat !
Virgil : So, how do you know that what I shall say will be the truth ?
Rafiki : Well I do not. But I just want to know your perspectives.
Virgil : But since why do you care for my perspectives ? And why of all days, today ?
Rafiki : Its not out of care you see. Its more out of a need for rationality. Besides, there are thousands of crores of rupees at stake. And one has been hearing so much about the trust and other things.
Virgil : Rafiki, I am too small and too insignificant to discuss it all. I do not wish to speak. Can we all stop this discussion ?
Rafiki : Oh come on Virgil ! Who, if not you ? You have been born and brought up in Guru’s faith all life. So, why shy away now ?
Virgil : I am not shying away.
Rafiki : Then why are you not answering my question ?
Virgil : What question ?
Rafiki : The question of whether your guru is a godman or a conman ?
Virgil : hmm, what answer do you want to hear Rafiki ?
Rafiki : Your answer.
Virgil : Well Rafiki, you said ‘your’ guru. So, its already clear where your allegiances are and what your perspective is. So, I do not want to loose a friend by speaking my side.
Rafiki : Oh come on Virgil, be a sport. You know I wouldn’t mind.
Virgil : That’s the point. Of what use is my perspective, when it cannot cause your perfectly reasoning, rational thoughts to mind it ?

At this moment, Barry the bear got impatient.
Barry : Virgil, why don’t you speak it out, just so that this monkey can shut up and we all can sleep peacefully !
Rafiki : Sleep ? Oh Barry ! How can you think of sleep ? I mean, I know you are an atheist. But sleeping ? Not today ! Especially when our friend Virgil is sad !
Virgil : Well, Rafiki, honestly what is that you really want want ?
Rafiki : To hear you and your perspectives of the alleged happenings within the Guru’s ashram. Of the trust. Of what the media has to say. Of how will you carry yourself from now on ?
Virgil : What else ?
Rafiki : That is it !
Virgil : No, that is not it. There is something more.
Rafiki : Naa, that is it.
Virgil : So, what is your motive behind trying to know of the incidents, happenings and rumours ?
Rafiki : Well, there is no motive. I just want to know.
Virgil : Ahh, I know you have a monkey mind. But I have never seen you act without a motive. So, what really is your motive ?
Rafiki : Well, if that’s the case, then let us assume that my motive is prove your faith wrong.

“hahaha.. There you go ! I love you Rafiki. You are so very caring about me”, said Virgil with a hint of sarcasm.
“Well, I believe that we were not discussing your acknowledgement of my ability to care”, said Rafiki.
“Hmm”, said Virgil.


Rafiki : Come on Virgil, speak up ! Do you still hold onto your faith ? After all that has happened over the past few days !
Virgil : Hmm Rafiki. Yes, I still hold onto my faith. Infact more stronger than ever. Rafiki, unlike a rational world, where people love those who they consider trustworthy, faith in spirituality is born out of love. An unconditional, selfless, blind love. And faith born out of such love is blind too. So your attempt to break my blind faith using reasons, is like an attempt to break a hard stone using a loud voice – It wouldn’t make any difference.

Rafiki : But isn’t it wrong ? I mean to bow yourself in devotion out of faith to someone, who isn’t truly divine ?

Virgil : What is wrong in it Rafiki ? I am not seeking anything, but his love. I am craving away for his affection. I am learning to be selfless. I am giving away my wealth out of detachment. I am living for him. So, what is your problem ?

Rafiki : But he is not God !
Virgil : What has that got to do with my devotion and what i do ?
Rafiki : If he is not God, how can you be devoted to him ? If he is not God, he cannot change your lives. All his miracles are cheap tricks.
Virgil : My devotion has got nothing to do with his ability to do miracles. I do not want a miracle that can change my life forever.
Rafiki : Well, its not right ! He’s fooling your intellect and toying with you.
Virgil : And he is doing that with my permission.
Rafiki : That makes it all the worse !
Virgil : Why are you scared of it ?
Rafiki : I am not scared. But it is not right !
Virgil : What is not right ?
Rafiki : I don’t know ! But something is certainly not right !
Virgil : What is that something ?
Rafiki : I don’t know.
Virgil : haha.. you see Rafiki, that is the problem ! You don’t know what you want out of this discussion. The simple truth is that for too long, your monkey-natured human mind been too selfish and too self-protective. It is scared of hurt. It has been trained to be so. It trusts only those who can never hurt. And at the first instance of hurt, it goes into a shell and shall never trust anyone, anymore.

Rafiki : What do you want to say now ?
Virgil : I want to say now what you don’t want to hear. I want to say that I shamelessly believe in the messages of my Guru. I trust him because I trust his principles. I trust him because I have seen him stand by his principles and seen him execute his principles. I have myself received education, healthcare and potable water facilities because of him. All of his activities were love executed in action. All of which built my faith in him. All of which miraculously transformed my life.
Rafiki : But that doesn’t make him a god !
Virgil : Rafiki, who, for you, is a God ? A person who at the wave of a hand can miraculously produce something for your astonishment or A person who can provide food to the hungry, medicine to the diseased and education to the illiterate ? A person who has been a life giving support for millions of people – building their hope, support, affection, love and trust for each other ?

Rafiki : That makes him a great human being. Not God.

Virgil : For me, that is enough to treat him as a God.
Rafiki : Hmm, you say that you would consider him a God even if he does not perform miracles. Then why do them at all ? Why have the videos and the slander against you when you can calmly do your work ?
Virgil : Yes, I would consider him a God even if he does not perform miracles. And at the videos, slander and all the articles, I am happy for them.It helps separate my faith out of love from their faith out of expectations. Rafiki, to love God just because he can perform miracles is like loving a woman just because she is beautiful. It is nothing more than lust. My faith and love though is dependent on an unconditional, infinite trust. And such trust can never be broken.
Rafiki : Speaking of trust, what do you think of the activities of his trust and the thousands of crores of rupees ?
Virgil : Rafiki, such a monkey you are ! Anyways, why would I even need to think of the trust and all such things ?
Rafiki : Don’t you think its your responsibility ?
Virgil : Don’t you see my faith has got nothing to do with the trust’s money and the humans controlling it now ? My faith is more on the message, the principles and the service happening around ?
Rafiki : You have become a brainwashed, idiotic blind fool Virgil ! Hasn’t he barry ?
Barry : Rafiki, I said “I don’t care” for what he is ! I want to sleep. I am tired. So, will you stop all this non-sense ? And neither you nor virgil nor any fool is ever going to change mind out of all this discussion.
Virgil : Barry is right. I am a fool. And someday, if my faith is proved wrong, I will die a fool. But Rafiki, what about you ? Not that I care, but just incase, through a remotest chance, my faith is proved right, what would happen to you ? Wouldn’t you have lived a life of doubt, slander and libel ? Aren’t you already living on the hope that he is not god and that you’d not have to atone for the guilt of having spoken bad ?
Rafiki : Hmm, let’s not talk about it.
Virgil : Ok. As you wish. I would shut up.

“And that's what i have been saying. Shut up guys ! And I hope the media shuts up too !”, said Barry drawing the discussion to a close on an evening, where the sun never seemed like setting down.

An open letter to the discouraged & criticized

If you had ever taken your father’s 30 year hard-earned money and lived through guilty feelings by investing it in something that shall take decades to repay, welcome to my world.

If you had ever sat infront of a banker, with not many collateral documents on hand and yet an intense desire to make a dream come true, welcome to this blog !

If you had ever wanted to try something that you wanted with all your heart and were criticized by a nobody for no reason, then welcome again.

And if you ever had a dream, but were shunned, criticized, scared into not following it - Then welcome to reading this open letter to the discouraged, scared, criticized and pessimists.

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Dear all,

Firstly, this letter is not against any person. Secondly, this is not meant to create a radical change in anyone. And thirdly, this letter is definitely not a wish of how I want people around me transformed.

I, well and truly understand that the world around me is made up of all kinds of people. Just like the different colored threads of a dress is what gives it, its beauty, layers and design - different attitudes of people are needed for a person to make him/her understand various perspectives to life.

But then, when I look back at the 25 years of my life – there was a time I was tired. There was a time, I was getting fed up. There was a time, when i was getting irritated at how most people are in a default mode to kill others’ dreams. Of how they used words, looks, gossipy comments, an uneasy silence and ultimately sheer indifference to signal what they think of dreamy pursuits. I was fuming at the thought of how others smirk and derive sadistic pleasure in portraying the sense of impossibility in another person’s desires. I felt like screaming at how people could scare a family and confine them to within houses for the thought of risking peace in life. I felt like a sinner for having an attitude to go beyond what others’ thought was my limit.

But what can a powerless, lower middle-class Indian like me do in such situations ? Shouting back with words would mean “I am arrogant and headstrong”. Giving up would mean “killing a part of life within me”. Asking them to give me the time to prove myself would mean “facing skepticism” till I achieve it. And avoiding them would mean “living like an outcast”.

Any of the above options would only end up with me being hurt and demotivated. It would leave me feeling discouraged, scared, criticized and pessimistic. So, what is the way out of all this ? In fact, is there a way out ?

A simple and straight forward answer to it is “NO, THERE IS NO WAY OUT OF THIS !”

Honestly, after years of arroganly trying to follow my heart, I realize that it is none of other people’s business to support you blindly. It is wrong of you to even expect it. It is too much to expect people to unconditionally offer you kind words, encouragement, time and means for you to progress. It is impossible to make them stop talking about their skeptical perspectives of what you are doing. Also, societies do not tolerate people who run the risk of trying to be different while disturbing the harmony within themselves, their family and of people around them.

Then, how do we go about managing such trying times ? How do we dream, be crazy to go after our dreams and yet not run the risk of attracting evil attention ?

In my view, the best way to live life is to not counter but expect evils to live with you for every step and forever. In fact, I would treat them as necessary ! That is what shall add value to your efforts in the long run. People’s expression of your dreams’ impossibility and your striving to make your dreams a reality is what will make a meaningful life and the inspiring story. Life, nature and actions all live in duality. For every dream, there shall and must be an opposition. It is your responsibility to expect it, respect it and not give up in front of it. It is your responsibility to fight it, live with it and travel the distance. It is your responsibility to go take the past scars, present wounds and future hurt in order to live your dreams. It is the price you pay for attempting to be different from people and selfishly live for what your heart wants.

So, the next time, when people say you are wasting time in doing unnecessary things in life, just remember “When you are doing what your heart truly wants, you are never ever wasting time !”

When people say “you are just being arrogant, careless and egoistic”, just remember “When you are doing what your heart wants, you are living life in the way you want and for the purpose you want. It is not being egoistic. It is caring for the only soul who’d always be with you – your heart”

When people say “When you can be calm and peaceful as the person you are, why do you take risks and be troubled”, just remember, “Risks bring immediate troubles. Troubles, when triumphed or even when failed, bring meaning to life. And the ultimate purpose of life is to add meaning to the time we have been given. Not to just remain peaceful. If being peaceful is the only purpose of life, even the lazy sloth is calm and peaceful. That does not mean the insect has led the best life on the planet !”

When people say “I foretold you would fail and see I was right”, just remember “It is never a question of others being right or wrong. It is a question of you being human ! Of listening to your heart. Of living for it. Of telling times and people to come that you lived life on your terms. Of telling yourself that you have faith in what your voice has to say. Of telling god that you never underestimated the ability of his creation.”

And finally, regardless of what people have to say, just remember, when you are heart screams for you to go after your dreams, you better go after it ! People will have a lot of things to say. That is their job. But your heart has only one thing to say. It is your job !

With affectionate regards,

A fellow trier in making my dreams come true,

Sai Prasad Vishwanathan.

Suffering pain OR Surrendering love..

“When you have undergone a great deal of suffering, each additional pain is either unbearable or just cannot be felt”, said my heart.

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It was one of those nights again. My head had hit the pillow, but my eyes hadn’t hit sleep. My mind was happy for the day, but my heart kept longing. My thoughts craved for peace, but my feelings were restlessly cruel to me.

“Hey dear, I want to ask you something”, said my heart.
“Please sleep Sai ! It is almost 2:30 a.m. in the night”, said my mind.

“Should this entire life of mine suffer for my love or Should it suffer trying to forget my love – that is the question”, asked my heart ignoring what my mind had just said.

“Hmm Sai, I said sleep !”, reminded my mind.

“You have not answered my question dear”, said my heart. “Surrendering life to your love or killing your love to celebrate life – Which of the two involves lesser suffering?”, it continued.

“Well, why do you do it to yourself Sai ? Why do you do it again and again ? Your friend was right. You never let go. You just cannot move on. And anyways, why do you ask me about suffering ? What do I know of it ? Suffering is a feeling. And all feelings emanate from you and because of you”, said my mind.

“Yes, suffering certainly emanates from me. It also emanates because of me. But today, I want to reason out. I want to know as to why people suffer”, said my heart.

“Hmm, what would I know ? You ask me as if I am a scholar in suffering. All I believe is that no one wants to suffer. It just happens out of foolishness or fate.”, said my mind.

“Ohh, how interesting !”, said my heart.

“Huh ? Interesting ? What is interesting ?”,asked my mind.

“The fact that no one wants to suffer !”, said my heart.
“What is so interesting about it ?”, asked my mind.

“I felt it was the contrary. In fact, I feel people wantedly suffer. They seek suffering – day in and day out”, said my heart.

“No ways ! Unless they are crazy as you, they wouldn’t. I mean, who on earth would seek suffering and for what reasons ?”, asked my mind.

“Everyone !”, said my heart.
“Prove it !”, said my mind.

“Well dear, every day, I see parents give up their happiness to keep children happy. Every day, I see children give up their dreams to please their parents. People go to work and suffer there, not for personal fulfillment – but for the good of their family. A wife starves not for her own happiness, but to show her husband how devoted she is in her pursuit to keeping him happy. Old people suffer everyday in old age homes, not out of desire to accomplish great things in the world, but to ensure that the honour and peace of family be protected. In fact, there is suffering in everything and anything we do. Ever since the birth of humanity, pain and suffering has existed. And strangely, they have existed just for one reason”, said my heart.

“Hmm, and what is that reason ?”, asked my mind.
“Well dear, Suffering and pain existed only for one reason. They have existed as a means to express our love”, said my heart.

“What ? Pain is a means to express our love ? But why only pain and suffering ? There are other ways to express love too !”, said my mind.

“Yes dear, there are other ways too. But pain and suffering exist solely for love. If not for love, there shall be no pain nor suffering. And if not for pain or suffering, there shall be no love”, replied my heart.

“Hmm, so you say that the reason people suffer is because they love a lot ?”, said my mind.

“Yes. And remember dear, whenever you ask me to stop suffering, I just cannot. To run away from suffering is to run away from my very love itself. To give up because of pain, is to give up my true self. To stop feeling pain, is to stop existing myself”, said my heart.

“Ohh hmm, but then are you not afraid ? Does it not hurt too much ?”, asked my mind.

“Hmm, that is true. It does hurt. And i am afraid of pain. In fact, many are. Pain makes us person stop eating, sleeping, working, feeling at peace. A lot of people are frightened because, when it appears, it destroys everything that was in order before. That is why a lot of people try to stay away from pain.”, said my heart.

“Hmm, so what is the way out ?”, said my mind.

“Well, i would say that the best way to tackle pain is to think exactly the opposite. It is to surrender yourself to pain without a second thought”, said my heart.

“And what happens when you surrender yourself to such pain?”, asked my mind.

“Well, by surrendering to pain, i do not live in the constant fear of protecting myself against something unexpected. I do not keep judging people. I do not make others responsible for my happiness or blame them for my possible unhappiness. I am neither euphoric because something marvelous has happened nor depressed because something unexpected has just ruined everything. I am just carrying on my journey – forever and ever.”

“And what happens at the end of the journey ?”, asked my mind.
“I wish I knew dear !”, said my heart. “All I know is that when you have suffered a great deal, each additional pain is either unbearable or just cannot be felt. And I hope that day does not come, when I do not feel pain for my love. It means I have ceased to exist for a cause anymore”, replied my heart.

The Dream Begins - First Moments At I.S.B.

Blood was rushing through my veins in excitement. And I had the widest and happiest smile on my face. That morning, it was a sweet dream come true ! I was witnessing years of my dreaming becoming real right infront of my eyes !

24 years into my life, on 26th April, 2010, at 8 A.M. on a bright sunny morning, I was sitting in a class. A class of India’s brightest and best engineers, chartered accountants, police officers, army officers, doctors, lawyers, entrepreneurs and an actress ! Life had just begun !

“Howdy !”, she said with a voice that was bubbling with energy while commanding a reply.
The widest smile on my face was now stretching towards a world record.

“Howdy !”, the class replied back.
“Well, I’m MaryLea McAnally. My parents named me so because my grandparents were named Mary and Lea. I’m a Canadian and i did my Ph D in financial accounting from Stanford University. And now, I am here in this beautiful country to teach you all accounting.”, She said.

“Ph D !! And Stanford ! Woww !”, my heart thought.

For the next 15 minutes, the sheer privilege of sitting in the class overpowered me ! It is not everyday in life that you sit among the India’s finest people, in the best of infrastructural facilities, surrounded by greatest works of art and technology and taught by a legend in the subject ! I was smiling and enjoying every moment of life in the class. And looking back at the day, I’d only say that I’m not sure if there exists a heaven after life, but then sitting in the first row and in a remote left corner of the class and witnessing a legend teaching financial accounting was worth living a whole life ! It was as exhilarating as it can get !

“Accounting is the language of business !”, she said fifteen minutes into the class.
“Language of business ?”, my mind had started its blabbering.


“That is to say, if business were to be a person, would he/she be speaking accounting ?”, my mind asked myself.

I wanted to ask the professor about it, but then, I did not want to become a certified and confirmed idiot. As such, I was one of the least experienced in the class and this question would only stamp my inexperience in business and portray me as a stupid guy unworthy of an I.S.B. admit infront of her.

“But Sai, would the language of business be accounting ? !!”, asked my mind again.

“Certainly not ! Accounting is just a record of financial activities that has happened as a result of business. It is the diary of business. Infact it is the life history of business. But certainly not the language of business”, my heart said.

“So, then what could be the language of business ?”, my mind asked.

“Well, imagine again. If business were to be a person, then what would he/she be speaking ?”, asked my heart.

“I’m not sure”, said my mind.

“Well Sai, the whole purpose of any business is to earn money and earn money by creating a value to the customer. And this earned money is, in my view, classified under ACCOUNTING !”, said my heart.

“Hmm..”, said my mind.

“But then earning money happens through speaking a language that adds value to the customer. And Sai, that language of business, in my view, is MARKETING !”, said my heart.

“Hmm.. Go on”, said my mind.

“And to speak that language again which the customer wants to hear, you need to think. And this thinking is called STRATEGY ! It tells you what to speak, how to speak, where to speak and when to speak. It is the ‘mind’ of the business”, said my heart.
“Is that all ?”, said my mind.

“Well not really dear ! To think of the right way and for the right results, you need to be fearless, uncluttered, take calculated risks and not worry about end results. It is ENTREPRENUERSHIP. And that is me – The HEART of the business”, finished my heart.

“Ohh.. Well, Mr.Genius if you know so much about business then what are you doing here in this class ? You should be out there doing real business !”, my mind teasingly said trying to shame my heart.

“Well dear, I’m CONSULTING ! That’s what I.S.B. is famous for !”, my heart said. And I could feel a warm and happy giggle over that thought.

“Ok ok.. Enough of your operations research and trying to optimize business definitions ! Listen to the class now ! You have paid 20 Lakhs to the consultant and you better hear what she has to say !”, said my mind.

And that day, as the first class ended, I felt amazing. I wanted to go to the professor and ask her a lot of questions on business. But then, I decided, I would not insult her genius by asking stupid questions and raising useless thoughts.

“I will rather blog one day and ask her view on it”, my mind said.
“Ya, that’s much better”, said my heart too.

And as the class moved out to attend the next class, I was still sitting in the remote left corner of the first row. I was sitting there with just one feeling.

“One day and hopefully very soon I will come up with a thought, a truly original thought – A thought that would revolutionalize the way all businesses run ! It will integrate the language, mind, heart and the consultant’s views to ensure that the life history and power of business is enhanced to meet the needs of the society. And I will not rest till I do it”, said my heart.

“Ya ya.. But first better take care of your grades. You have a loan on your head and you are competing with India’s top C.A.s, C.F.As, I.I.T.ians, Lawyers, Doctors, Entrepreneurs, Business Managers and Technology leads for jobs in January”, reminded my mind.

I took my bag and began to move out of the class. And as I left my heart said again “Someday, I will come up with a thought – A truly original thought that would revolutionalize business work forever and that day, I will thank my professor Mary Lea McAnally for having given a stunner of a first day at the B-School”

P.S : This blog is totally dedicated to Professor MaryLea McAnally whose classes at I.S.B. left me craving and passionate for business knowledge. It is my humble way of offering thanks to the wonderful person who has set and determined my thought flow process about the business world.

Dedication to my love - Part 4 - Not letting my love die !

“Do you believe in God ?”, she asked me in soft, caring voice.
My heart had by now become as hard as a stone. My mind was refusing to think. And I was feeling dead.

“Sai honey, do you believe in God ?”, she asked again.
I was silent and staring into emptiness. Understanding the information she gave me in the past 30 minutes, I knew I was now reduced to nothing - Absolutely nothing.

“Ok Sai.. Do you want to go to the church ?”, she asked changing the question.
I was all the more silent.

“Hmm.. Ok honey, do you think this is a good time to talk at all ? I can always come back if you want”, she said having understood my reactions and silence.

I wanted her to leave. And I sensed the opportunity.

“Only if you do not mind Miss, and at the cost of sounding a little rude, may I ask you to leave me alone for about an hour - Just an hour ?”, I asked.

“Hmm.. Not a problem sweetheart ! I can understand. I will be waiting outside the room. Please give me a call if you need anything. I’ll see you in an hour.”, she replied getting ready to leave.

“Hmm.. And just one more thing Miss", i said.

"Yes, honey", she replied.

"I am not an orphan. And I do not need a social worker.”, I said with a tinge of useless arrogance and aggression.

“Hmm..”, she said with a long pause.
“We will talk about it when I am back honey.”, she said and left.
“Ya, We certainly will talk”, I replied.

The room was now empty. The gloom in my heart added to the gloominess in the room. With great difficulty, I had moved to the edge of the window screen and moved the cloth covering it aside.

Out in the open, I could see that it was still snowing.

“Its still snowing outside Sai.. The same snowing that you fell in love with.. The same snowing that has destroyed you”, said my heart.

“Was it the snow that destroyed you or was it you ?”, asked my mind now with burning anger.

I sat down on a chair nearer to the window and tried recollecting everything that had happened.

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5 30 P.M., 11th February, 2008,
Outside the Chemical Engineering Department Bus stop,
University of Wisconsin, Madison


“Bus please, Bus please, Bus please”, my heart was then screaming.

My nose was bleeding profusely. My hands, back and neck had frozen. My legs were dead. And my mind was cursing me.

“You had brought up all this on to yourself Sai. You have ruined yourself and your family. In the name of love, you have destroyed yourself”, my mind was loading a barrage of abuses on me.

“Bus please, Bus please, Bus please”, my heart was chanting.

“The bus wouldn’t come Sai. If at all it had to, it would have come by now. It was due 30 minutes back. I think either you are at the wrong lane or you followed the wrong schedule.” said my mind.

“Hmm..”, said my heart realising the implications of what that could mean.

“Do something Sai ! There’s not a soul in the vicinity. And it is getting darker by the minute. For god’s sake, do something ! The bus would certainly not come and you are stuck here in a hell”, screamed my mind now.

"What can i do ? I can only pray", said my heart.

"No.. ! Call someone.. Reach out for your phone !", replied my mind.

I tried moving my hand to reach the cellphone. But my hand felt as hard and as heavy as steel. The cold wind was hitting my insides like a 1000 needles. My inability to reach the phone created further panic in my mind.

“Reach it Sai.. Reach it. For god’s sake reach it !”, screamed my mind forcing my hand to reach the phone.

“Reach the phone and call 911”, my mind continued screaming.

Finally with a great difficulty, I was able to reach the phone. But then as ill luck would have it, the wetness on my leather gloves and the vigorous shivering of my hands ensured that the phone slipped and fell on the ground a little away from me.

My mind panicked severely. My eyes were almost in tears now. The phone had fallen, yet if I could stand up and reach out for it, I can get it.

"Oh no.. what would you do now !", asked my mind in a state of panic attack.

“Not to worry Sai. I will get up and reach out for the phone on the ground.”, said my heart.

"What ? Do you even know what you are saying ?This is the most severe of weather conditions.. You have not eaten for 36 hours, the metallic crutches are cold as ice and you have never stood in your life without a support.. How will you do it ?", asked my mind

"Dear, I have to stand up and move anyways incase the bus comes. I cannot lie here all life right ? So, i will try", replied my heart.

I made a strong, hard effort to stand up. But the wind seemed to blow harder in all directions now. The pouring snow was falling directly in my eye line and more importantly the pouring snow was also burying the phone.

I continued making the effort to stand up and pick the phone.

The snow was soft and I slipped in my very first attempt.

As soon as i felt the slip, my mind lost its sense of thinking. My heart though would not yet give up hope.

I tried again !

But this time, I slipped harder. I slipped hard to fall on my side. I slipped hard onto the bag on my side and I rolled over on to the ground full of snow.

The hard fall created severe pain in every pore of my body. I could feel the pain cause by a sudden rush of blood through every vein in my body. It was as if i had fallen on a hard rock from 10,000 feet.

And even as i experienced such pain, my mind began to speak.

“Know what Sai ?”, said my mind. “ I think its all over now !”.
"Not yet dear.. Not yet", said my heart.

“What else can you do ? Its all over for sure. And i think you deserve this ! You deserve all this pain and more. You deserve this for your foolishness. You deserve this for not listening to people who advised you. Idiotic Sai, I think lying here at this square in Madison, with hell pouring snow on you, at – 30 C temperature, outside the chemical engineering department, having lost a job opportunity, having troubled everyone you love all life, having gone against your doctor’s wishes, you are now to going to loose. Loose not only your dreams. Loose not only your love. But loose even your life”, said my mind.

I was breathing blood. I could not move a muscle in my body. The only things running in me were my thoughts and feelings.

“I wish..”, said my heart.
“Wish what ?”, asked my mind.
“I wish I could see..”, said my heart.
“See whom ?”, asked my mind.

“Hmm.. You know what dear ? I must say something now", said my heart.

"Go on.. What's stopping you ? Say it. ", commanded my mind.

"Sai dear, for the entire world, there exists a line of difference between being positive, being optimistic and being foolish. And after 23 years of my life, I must say, i do not know that difference. For the entire world, there exists a line of difference between being confident and being arrogant. And as someone going after my love, I do not that difference either. Infact, i do not intend to know these differences too. For 23 years Sai, I had gone after what I loved the most, as if I were someone possessed. For 23 years now, I had gone after living for my love, even if it meant that i had to live with uncertainties. For 23 years now, I had gone after living for my love, even if meant taking any pain or opposition on. And I just want to tell you now Sai.. I just want to tell you that if at all I had a chance to relive my whole life all over again, I would only want to end up living like the way i did.. I would want to be going after my love all over again like I did.. And go after it with the same passion and dedication. The world may call it madness.. The world may call it foolishness.. The world may call it arrogance.. But i will persist with my love. Because only those in love know that it isn’t madness, foolishness or arrogance.", said my heart.

"Hmm..", replied my mind.

"And just incase you think otherwise, sai dear, i must say that I am very happy for everything that happened in my life.. I am very happy for everything that I tried. Infact, I am proud of every moment of my life. And if at all anything, i wish to get up and just finish the task i came for here. I only wish to get up, go ahead and get funded for my M.S. program.. And if i accomplish that, i wish to go ahead and see all my loved ones once again – just once again to witness the pride in their eyes”, said my heart to my mind.

“Hmm..”, said my mind.

“Hmm..”, replied my heart.

For the next 10 minutes, neither my mind nor my heart spoke. I had been just lying there. I had been lying there knowing nothing is going to save me. I had been lying there loosing myself minute after minute. I had been lying there waiting for me to stop breathing blood, cold air and snow. I had been lying there witnessing my eyes loosing their sight. I had been lying there experiencing my body freezing to death. I had been lying there witnessing the end of my life and not wanting my love to die.

- To be continued -

Dedication to my love - Part 3 - The Worst & The Best !

Looking back, I am still not sure about calling that day as the worst or calling it as the best day of my life. But then, one thing is for certain - It was a day to remember ! A day that I want no one else to face. A day that changed me forever. A day that brought out the inner me to the world. A day that gave me the greatest lesson of my life. A lesson that - In the quest for your love, you need to give up three very important things – ego, shame and reactions.

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4:30 P.M., Friday, January 11th, 2008
Outside the chemical engineering department bus stop,
University of Wisconsin, Madison

It was around 4:30 P.M. As i was standing outside the chemical engineering department, I felt hell pouring cold snow on me. The cold wind was tearing me apart. The temperature was around – 30 C. And the tears in my eyes were freezing.

To say that I was feeling shattered would be an understatement. To say that I was devastated would also not explain enough as to what I was going through. And worst of all, I had no idea of the horrors that were going to hit me in next 20 minutes.

And as I stood there in the freezing cold and wind, my throat was choking in pain. My legs were shivering in the wind. My heart was feeling numb. And through it all, my mind was recollecting again and again the oncampus interview in which I had just been rejected.

“You could not even clear an oncampus interview ! What scholarship and research assistantship will you make ?”, screamed my mind to myself.

I had prepared for this interview for 2 weeks. I covered every topic that I could read and answered every question that I was asked in the interview. But then the professor said :

“Sai, there is no denying that you have done fabulously well in your life. I appreciate your merits. But then, one of my students is returning for the spring. And I am intending to offer this position to her. So, I am sorry. I will not be able to offer this job to you. Anyways, I will keep you in mind for the coming semester.”

It was the first interview reject of my life ! I never knew before what an interview rejection felt like ! Before leaving India, I promised dad that I’d find atleast an oncampus position if not a research scholarship. But then, today, I had a reality check. A reality check in the fact that the world respects experience, reference and recommendations more than knowledge. My ego had received the first slap on its face.

“The position is gone Sai ! What will you do now ?”, my mind was asking.
My heart had no answer !

“Speak Sai Speak ! You brought yourself into this ! The position that you should have got is just gone ! And there are no jobs left for this semester. What will you do for monthly rent ? How will you pay the fees ?”, asked my mind restlessly.

The cold wind continued to hit me like a thousand pins. Every part of my body froze. And it is then i realized that after the interview, I had forgotten my winter jacket in the department room.

“Get it back.. You are freezing.”, said my heart.
The department was about 100 feet from the bus stop.

“No.. The bus is due any moment. It’s the last one for the day. Anyways, you deserve this punishment of the cold wind. Its your ego that you were the best C++ programmer, presenter and interview giver that brought you into this”, said my mind.

“Sai, get your winter jacket !”, commanded my heart.

“You think you can walk in till there ! It’s a 100 feet ! And its – 30 C Sai ! Its snowing hell and blowing wind at many a miles per hour. And anyways what do you want to walk for ? To get that jacket and fight another day like this ? To get that jacket and make all your loved ones see you continue struggle ?”, tore my mind.

“Sai, get your winter jacket !”, commanded my heart again.

My mind did not say anything. My body refused to move.

All of a sudden the phone began to ring. I opened my hand gloves to pick the call. And the wind immediately bit all my fingers leaving them numb.

“Swathy calling”, said my phone.
I did not pick up the call.

And as I put my phone back without lifting the call, I realized that there wasn’t even a single person at the bus stop ! I was in the plain formals I wore for the interview. And the cruelly cold wind was just cutting through me. I hadn’t eaten anything all day. And it was almost 36 hours since I slept.

“Why aren’t any one there here ?”, asked my mind.
“Sai, go get your winter jacket”, said my heart.

“Oh will you shut up ? I can’t walk for 100 feet now. I would rather use my leather bag as the defense.”, said my mind.

Thinking thus, I put the leather bag, which had the laptop in it, infront of my chest. I also ensured that I turned to stand in the same direction as that of the wind, so that only my back gets to face the cold wind.

And it was the moment I was turning, I first realized in my life that the crutches i use to walk were "metallic". And these "metallic" crutches too had gone madly cold due to the wind and snow. Infact, they were carrying ice around themselves. And their chillness was so spreading through my woolen gloves, that I could no longer hold them and stand.

So I began to search for a place to sit. I sat in the snow heap, that had collected around the footpath. I tightly held on to my bag so as to not cause any damage to my laptop as well as to not let any cold air pass through me.

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And as I was sitting, my mind began again.

“You are an interview reject Sai ! Come this 30th, if you pay the tuition fee of 12,500 $ you will not have monthly rental to pay. And if you don’t pay the tuition fee, you will be fined and fined and fined only to be expelled for the next semester.”, said my mind.

My heart did not say a word.

My eyes were burning. And whether the burn was out of the cold or out of the longing to see my mom, I didn’t know. My arms were aching. And whether the ache was due to the cold or due to the load of dreams I took on, I didn’t know. My body was paining. And whether the pain was due to the cold or it was because of the restlessness in me, I didn’t know. My legs were shivering. But this time though, I knew the reason. I knew the cause of my legs' shivering. I looked down to see the snow on which I had stood a few minutes back. It was something I shouldn’t have seen.

I kept my calm.

“Be positive Sai”, said my mind. The colour of the snow, everywhere my left foot had stepped was brownish red. And this changed colour also changed my mind's attitude immediately

My heart did not respond.

“Use your strategy Sai. Recollect the happy moments of your life. Think of people whom you love the most. Think of the times you spent with your best friends. Think of the day when you topped your inter class and were overjoyed to see the pride in your dad’s eyes. Think of the day when you first saw the buildings of C.B.I.T. and how you fell in love with it. Think of the day when you first entered a C coaching class to learn C language. Think of the day, you got your first job. Think of the day, you got your GRE score of 1470”, said my mind trying to cheer me up and make me feel calm. But then, if at all anything, I could only feel my mind panicking.

The wind had picked up even more. I was feeling snow cold myself.
“Bus please.. Bus please.. Bus please”, my mind was constantly chanting.

And now as I sat there all alone, feeling like a dead body, with my mind scared more than ever before, i felt i was left to destiny's will.

And scared that my mind was too, it decided to take the opportunity and blame me for everything.

“Sai”, said my mind.
“Ya”, responded my heart.

“You know what ?”, asked my mind.
“Ya”, said my heart.

“You have been one very adamant boy all your life”, said my mind.
“Ya, I know”, said my heart feeling a strange sense of smile.
“Why are you smiling ? Are you feeling proud of it ?”, asked my mind.

“No Dear.. I am not proud of it. But then, I am strangely happy about it”, replied my heart.
“Happy ? ! And what for ? For sitting in the junction of this totally alien country like a beggar ?”, asked my mind with a pinch of anger.

“Nopes Sai. You are seeing the wrong side. I am not happy for where i am sitting now. But then, i am happy for having come thus far. I am happy today for having believed in my love. A love that taught me to dream of the impossible. A love that made me feel a desire for my tomorrow. A love that made me feel hope for my tomorrow. A love that taught me to see the best in everything and be the best in everything. A love that made me wake up at 3 in the morning today and sleep at 12 in the night the other day. A love for which I had turned my world upside down. A love to attain which I will sit like a beggar in the middle of a street. You see Sai, when I believed in my love, i started feeling that anything is possible. I started setting goals, made promises and started working. Infact, I’d say i started living. I wanted to break all barriers - physical, mental, financial and emotional - which came in the way of my love and which people have forced on me. I have broken them so far. And i will continue to break them because somewhere down the line i realize that true love of a person shouldn't bind that person, instead it should make him/her feel liberated. And Dear, as i sit in this junction of this alien country, in the quest for my love, i am feelinh happy. Happy that i am fighting it out and happy that i have come thus far. And just to make you feel calm, i must tell you that the job is not done yet.. I am awaiting the day dear, I'm awaiting the day when I’d proudly meet my love”, said my heart.

And as my heart was replying thus, I suddenly felt something warm under my nose. And within seconds of my feeling that, I could feel blood trickle down my nose. Infact I saw blood from my nose falling onto my shirt and the laptop bag. I tried moving my hand to remove the hand gloves but to my greatest horror, my hands just refused to move. I tried desperately, but it was as if someone had tied me. And the more i tried, the more i failed. I tried moving my legs now but they were refusing to obey me now. I felt like a soul trapped in a cage.

I wanted to scream for help. But there was no one in the vicinity. It was pitch dark now and my only hope was the bus ! It was due 10 minutes back.

- To be continued -

Dedication To My Love - Part 2 - Mohan Anna & The Call

4 P.M., February 14th, 2008
403, Apartment J, Eagle Heights
Madison, Wisconsin.

It was 20 days into one of the greatest tragedies of my life. I was on the verge of going mad. I had lost everything – literally everything. All my dad’s money. My health. My hope. My strength. My faith & even My passion. I didn’t remember when I had eaten last. And I couldn’t remember when I peacefully slept last. I wasn’t sure how many hours did I have left to live in America. And I wasn’t sure how many hours did I have left to even live.

“Mohan Anna calling..”, Said my phone.

It was snowing like hell outside my house. The temperature outside was -30 C. I hadn’t spoken to anyone for 2 days. And I hadn’t attended my classes for the week. I was living my worst nightmare ever. My body, heart and soul had all stopped feeling anything. My mind was using various plans I had to inspire myself and yet I was just feeling empty.

“Mohan Anna calling..”, Said my phone.

Mohan anna was my neighbour in Hyderabad. I knew him ever since I first knew myself. He was one of the first ever to congratulate me on one of the brightest days of my life – When I topped my college in first year inter with a 97 %. His brother Gopal is my batchmate and one of my best friends.

I had lost touch with Mohan Anna during my engineering and subsequent years. But two days before I left for America, Gopal came to me and said, “Sai, what you are doing in life is something extraordinary. I wish and pray for your success. Annaya is living in Minnesota, U.S.A. This is his phone number. Do call him up if you need anything. Baba’s blessings will always be with you”.
“Mohan Anna calling..”, said my phone.
I picked it up.

“Heyy Sai.. How are you doing ra ? Did you eat anything ?”, asked Mohan anna.
“Yes anna..”, I lied as I didn’t want to disappoint anna again.

Mohan anna had been the only person in the world who supported me through the past, horrible 25 days. He was the only person I was talking my heart to. He was the only person whom I had opened up to. And he was the only person who knew every second of what happened in my life ever since I had landed in the U.S. And as I look back, both Mohan anna and me, realize that it was pure destiny that we met and got to talk to each other on phone regularly.

“So, what did you cook ?”, asked Mohan anna affectionately.
“Hmm.. Nothing much anna.. Same old same old.. Avakaya pickle with curd rice.. Just made some ginger tea..”, I replied unable to recollect any food items immediately.

“Hmm.. How will that be sufficient ra ? Please do eat something and eat well”, said Mohan anna with the feelings of love that one must be blessed to hear.

“Ok anna. Sure”, I replied trying to put some courage in my voice.

“Hmm.. That apart, Orai Sai.. I am not sure how to tell it to you ra.. But I have some bad news for you.”, said my dearest anna.

“Sure Annaya..”, I said with a smile in my voice.. “Please go on. Not to worry.. What worse can possibly happen after everything that happened to me in the past 25 days ?”, I said.

“Hmm.. Do not say that Sai.. You have been absolutely inspirational in the past 25 days to me. I have never ever seen anyone fight for their love as you have done and are doing. But then Sai.. I think its time !”, said Mohan anna.

“I am sorry annaya.. I am not able to understand you”, I replied.

“Hmm.. Well Sai, I am not sure how to convey this to you.. The doctors of our Sai organization are insisting you leave America immediately. The reports have been horrible. You could be infected with blood poisoning any moment. You can literally die any moment ra. Please leave now and go to India for medical care. I am not sure on how are you surviving there in Madison, all alone in such adverse conditions. I myself am not able to bear even the thought of it or even any news about you”, said Mohan anna.

“Hmm.. Annaya, is that all ?”, I asked.

“What do you mean is that all ? Don’t you understand the seriousness of the situation ? Our Sai organization people are thinking you lied to your parents about your health and came here. They think you are mad about America and egoistic. They say it is your egoism that will cost you your life. Please leave ra. I will book your return tickets.”, said Mohan anna.

“Annaya please.. You and only you know as to what i have experienced in the past 25 days. And after all that has happened, I am not going to give it up. Definitely not now. My life might leave my body. But my soul would not leave my love. I will fight and win this battle. I will get my love no matter what. And anyways what will I do after going to India ? Live at the merciful and pitiful looks of everyone ?”, I asked.

“Sai ! Please try to understand. You first need to survive more than anything else. 25 days back I knew nothing of you. You were just my neighbour Sai of hyderabad who drove a Scooty, Studied well and attended bhajans in our colony. But when I came to know everything of you, I was stunned ra. Even our own Sathya Sai Organization is mad at you at the way you are adamant about living in America inspite of your frail and worsening health.”, said my dearest anna.

“Annaya.. I have got nothing to say as of now. Last week, I have lost 10000 $ of money as medical expenses. I came here with 15000 $ in all. Having paid the advance for the house & having bought groceries and clothes, all I have is 15 $ in my shelf. I do not have money to pay for the next month’s rent. I do not have money to pay for my tuition of even the first semester. I do not have money to buy even a pizza. And yet, inspite of it all - I do have something and only one thing in me today. It is a small belief. A belief that I can pull out something extraordinary in my life here. A belief that my love would not desert me. A belief in the God above and in the blessings of my parents & love of my sister. Annaya, the final research scholarship test and interview is on the 22nd of this month. A scholarship equal to the tuition fee of 25000 $ and a monthly stipend of 2000 $. This scholarship is the last for this semester and there in only one left anna. It is going to be a do or die battle for me. If I don’t make it, it is the end of everything. It means my life is ruined. But if I do make it, then I can come out of all this in fraction of a second.”, I replied trying to sound as positive as I can.

“Hmm.. Sai, I am not sure what to say ra. I am talking of your life and death but you are talking of the scholarship exam ! Anyways, Leave everything for the moment.. How are you managing yourself all alone ra ? Aren’t you feeling it tough ?”

“Ya annaya.. It is a little tough. But I am somehow managing it. I get up at 4 in the morning. And listening to music, I make some tea and watch the snow falling for sometime. Then I do the dressing up of the wound for an hour. I also simultaneously put clothes off for washing. I have literally planned out and organized my entire house here. It took me three days to do so. But then, I have finished organizing my house. Every item now has got a particular place here. The most used things are the kept closest to my hand and reach. I use an entire room to keep my medical kit and dresses. And the other, well lit room, I use it for study”, I said.

“Hmm.. Am not sure what to say ra. But why are you doing all these things ? Why do you have to struggle so much ?”, asked annaya.

“Hmm.. Well, I have already told you everything anna. I am in a mad mad love. And as such, it is that love which is driving me into all this. I do not have any further reasons, apart from my love, to believe or explain right now. But as I said, I can feel love in what I am doing. I can sense a belief for my tomorrow. I believe that if I stand up for what I want the most, nothing will stop me.”, I replied.

“Hmm.. Not sure what to say ra.. But anything that you are finding it particularly difficult ?”, asked Mohan annaya.

“Nothing annaya. Nothing much at all is that difficult ! I am slow in doing things. But then, I start early. So, that’s not being a problem. Most funnily though I must say, washing vessels after cooking is one of the toughest, most testing and most irritating works I ever did in my life ! After I return to India, I will first ensure that atleast one day of every week I wash vessels for my Mom anna !”, I said trying to shift the mood of talk.

“Hmm.. Please stop it ra. Are you serious you can pull this off ?”, asked Mohan annaya again.

“Hmm.. Ofcourse annaya. Ofcourse I do ! The syllabus for the exam is C and C++ programming. And I believe in my programming ability to pull it off. My life annaya – my life as of today – is in a stage wherein I need 42 runs in a single over. And I believe and I really do believe that not only will I score 6 runs of every ball.. but I also believe that God will ensure a no ball will be bowled and I will hit a 6 of the same too. I am chasing a huge target annaya. I have been studying non stop for 9 hours a day now. And I will not loose the exam, no matter what – I will not loose it. Even if I am dead on the pitch half way, i will end up fighting. Annaya, trust me, 10 days from now not only will i be a research scholar in this university but two years from now, i would have begun the journey towards being the best entrepreneur this world has ever seen.”, I finished.

“Hmm.. I am not sure what to say ra.. As I already told you, there is a very thin line of difference between courage and foolishness. And I am not sure what to say about you as of today. But then, please do give me a call whenever you feel lonely. I will always be there for you in this fight. If you do need anything, just remember that I am there for you. And not to worry, I will speak to our Sai organization and manage them about your not leaving.”, finished Mohan anna.

“Thank you annaya.. Thank you so very much ! I will always remain indebted to you for this ! But annaya, more than Sai organization, can you please ensure that your parents in India talk to my parents regularly and comfort them ? Atleast for the next 10 days.. They have witnessed nothing but tears in the past 2 months and I want someone to be there for them to share their difficulties without inhibitions. And as of now, your parents are the only people who can help me in this”, I said.

“Sure ra.. I will ensure that. You prepare well for your R.A. exam. I will take care of the rest”, said Mohan anna.

“I will anna. I will for sure”, I replied.

Mohan Anna hung up the phone and the empty feeling of fear, pain, sadness & loneliness hit me again as he hung up.

But then even as I was feeling everything and nothing but negative, I knew there was a bigger purpose ahead of me. Inspite of not having anything in my life at that moment, I also had the three most important things of life – Something to do, Something to love & Something to hope for. 9 days from thereon - the R.A. exam and the interview would seal off my fate. And with not a penny in my pocket, not an energy in my body, I was there all alone in my room, almost dead, with nothing but a small belief - a small belief in my love - a small belief that something extraordinary in my life is still possible.

Lying on the bed, I now took the gift of the small wind pipe chandlier that my best friends had once given me and held it in my hand. I looked at it and was recollecting the most memorable days of my life for inspiration. I was also recollecting what had happened to me ever since I first landed in the U.S.A.

- To be continued -