Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The King & The Kingmaker !

Sometimes, an entire life boils down to one decision. Happiness shall never be a part of life from thereon. There shall be no joys in your smile, no comfort in anything you do. You look insane in the eyes of others and feel crazy in your own heart. How can you take life from thereon ? To what avail, shall you live life from thereon ?

Laugh, but cry
Live, but die
Life is a dream, we are dreaming
Day by day
I find my way
Look for my love and its meaning
( Then you look at me – by Celine Dion )

As the painfully beautiful song continued to play in my iPod again, I realized that ‘they’ were there by my side. It was a queasy feeling. I did not want them there. Not again ! Yet, I knew i could do nothing about it. I was at their mercy. I tried ignoring them, by trying to read a novel.

But then, it was another of those ungodly hours on a restless night. Just as the dark clouds were robbing the moon’s light -my mind’s thoughts were robbing my heart’s peace. As minutes passed and as I flipped through the novel’s pages, I knew I had no option but to surrender to those three. I knew I had to respond to those three. I knew I had to fight those three. I knew 'those three' awaited my fight.

Those three personalities – the three personalities I am most scared of. The three personalities that I spend most of my time with. The three personalities that I most care for. The three personalities who are with me all the time. The three personalities called - My past, My present and My future. They were there that night, by my side, waiting to hear from me.

For those who are strangers to them, my past is a personality I am never comfortable with and probably will never be comfortable with too. She has this mysterious face, which is very difficult to describe. Her eyes feel beautiful, cold and tough – all at the same time. She reminds me of my decisions, my mistakes and my guilt. I try to see beauty and joy in her, but fail. I try to see goodness in her, but feel an indifference. I attempt to see happiness in her, but get a sharp pain. I believe that she is like a seductive mermaid, who tempts me into being with her and then punishes me for having given in. She leaves me tempted for joy, and suffering in pain.

On the other hand, my present is like my little child. She is someone whom I love to be with all the time. She is pure, innocent, but prone to hurt. She constantly endures my cruel past, yet foolishly believes in coming out victorious someday. She does not have the power to stand on her own, but imagines to rule the world with her love. Inspiration and pity- that is what I feel whenever I am with my present.

My future though, is what I believe in the most. She is my best friend. Although, only god is aware of her nature totally – I feel she is loveable, truthful and hopeful. My heart lives for her. My mind slogs for her. My work is dedicated to her. And most importantly, my life trusts her. She is one and probably the only reason, which keeps me going.

‘You can never get over me, can you?’, asked my past teasingly as if she were undeservingly punishing me for some wrong again.

‘Ignore her and focus on your novel Sai. Increase the volume of your iPod’, said my future.

‘Ohh honey, if he could have ignored me, he would have ignored me. And we would not be having this discussion now !’, said my past to my future in a voice of arrogance.

My present was already feeling troubled. I was feeling anxious. It was going to be a tough night.

‘Sai, trust me - what the world says is all a lie’, my past said.
‘Hmm, what is that lie ?’, I asked finally giving in to her temptation.
‘The things they say about people and time dear. About how people change. About how time heals everything ! It is all a lie’, my past said.

‘Hmm’, i replied.
‘Time heals nothing. In fact, it only makes things worse. You know it’, she said.

‘Hmm’, I said.

‘Just look at me. I am your past. Day after day, I have grown stronger and stronger. I have become a tougher and tougher burden to carry ! I have only been hurting you more. I have given you nights like these every time’, she continued.

‘Hmm’, I said.

‘I feed of your thoughts for me. Your thoughts keep me alive. Your feelings give me the strength. Your little child called present gives me the soul’, my past continued.

‘hmm’, I said.

‘You wouldn’t give me up. You cannot get over me. You are a slave to me and cannot live your life without me !’, my past said.

‘That is true’, I said.

‘And you know what Sai ? Someday, I would leave you with nothing more than a stinking guilt, pain and suffering. I would have killed both your present and your future. I would have scarred your life.’, said my past.

‘hmm.. May be ! But I believe you are just flattering yourself’, I said raising my voice against her for the first time.

‘What do you mean?’, my past asked.
‘Well, I mean what I said’, I said.

‘Explain yourself’, my past commanded.

‘Hmm, I do not know where to start. But then dear, for far too long, you have overestimated your ability to control me. For far too long, you have believed that I am your slave and listen to you more than anyone else. For far too long, you have been blind to things I believe in and things that keep me going’, I said.

‘What are you trying to imply ?’, my past asked.

‘You see dear, you are my past. You were born out of my decisions. Decisions I took in the situations, life threw me into. Decisions, which I took out of my own knowledge, ability and skills. Decisions, which I took out of my passion, attitude and love. Decisions, whose results were always going to be uncertain. Decisions taken out of reasons. Decisions taken out of emotions. But most importantly decisions, whose results I was always ready to bear’, I said.

‘hmm’, my past said.

‘So, even before you were born, I knew of your nature. I knew you would sting. I knew what I was creating out of my decisions’, I said.

‘hmm’, my past said.

‘And sometimes, I was into situations, when my entire life boiled down to just one decision - I knew happiness shall never be a part of life from thereon. I knew there shall be no joys in my smiles, no peace in my heart, no comfort in anything i do from thereon. I knew I would look insane in the eyes of others and feel crazy in my own eyes if things went wrong’, I said.

‘Then, why did you make those decisions ?’, my past asked.

‘You see my dear past, some people live life, as if it were a test. You haunt them when they fail. Some people live life, as if it were a game. You haunt them when they loose. Some live life, as if it were a purpose to achieve. You haunt them till they find it. Some live life, as if it were principles to defend. You haunt them when they give in. Some live life, as if it were a wait to the end. You haunt them forever. So, you haunt everyone anyways.' I said.

‘hmm’, my past said.

‘So, my only chance at getting rid of you was by living for someone else -which means living for my present and living for my future ’, I said.

'hmm', my past said.

'The day you were born, the first time you hurt me -I preferred to live for my present and for my future. I preferred to live life like a celebration. That way, you still exist, but you cannot haunt me. You can grow in my thoughts. But, my passion for life will outgrow you. You can hurt my feelings. But my future will comfort me. You can make me suffer every night, but I shall live to build memories every day. You can live with me forever, but under the realization that i would live only for my present and for my future. And for their sake, I am ready to take on any amount of guilt, past, suffering you can throw at me for any number of nights.’

‘hmm, if that is the case, why do you even live with me ? Why do you not just forget me and move on ? Why do you suffer with me so much ?’, asked my past.

‘hmm.. Because dear, I love you and you are a part of me. You are a proof that I existed. A proof that I have tried things in life. A proof that I have made decisions. Followed passions. Created situations. Lived ambitions. To deny you, is to denied my existence. You are the sole price I will to pay, for keeping the life I want to celebrate. The pain you give, adds value to my love. The suffering you put me through, keeps me humble. The thoughts you remind, inspire me to try harder. The lessons you teach, force me to work like never before. The nights I live with you, makes me want the days ahead even more. And dear, while you boast around feeling that you rule my life, just remember – yes, you are the king of my life. You rule my thoughts and feelings. But as someone who had taken the decision to celebrate every moment of my life, celebrate every decision, celebrate every activity, celebrate every work of mine, celebrate my present and celebrate my future - just remember dear, I am the kingmaker. You can hurt me, but I possess the choice to either feel that hurt or transform that hurt into encouragement for my work. You can make me suffer, but I possess the choice to choose that suffering or transform that suffering into an inspiration to live more. You exist, because I choose you exist and i accept your existence as an inspiration, i said.

'hmm', my past said.

'Unfortunately, some people choose your existence, but they forget the reasons for your existence. They forget to give you a purpose for existing. They forget to celebrate a life that is ahead of them ! You took advantage of such people and ruin them into misery. I so very wish that they are released from your stranglehold too’, I said.

'That is none of your business to comment', my past said.

And although i remained awake for the rest of that night, my past no longer spoke. The ipod continued to play that beautiful song, as i remained awaiting a new dawn -a dawn that gives me an opportunity to create a beautiful present, a wonderful future and a lovable past.