Friday, October 7, 2011

A Philospher's Peace Or A Warrior's Death.. ?

There are times, when for no specific reason, you feel empty in life. You feel, as if, you are punished for a mistake you never knew you committed. You feel as if, you have to silently bear everything that comes your way and express your nobility by not reacting to it. You feel as if, suffering is your only birthright and you will get your daily dose of it. And it was one such night for me. It was a night where my entire life was in front of me and it began asking its age old question – “Why did you have to choose the latter Sai ? Why did you have to choose the latter ?”

I believe, at one point in everyone’s life, there comes a moment - when a person has to choose between the philosophy of peace and the glory of a warrior. One path takes him to a state of eternal calm, bliss and a life of no troubles. The other path takes him through darkness, wildness, adventure, madness, fame, pride, passion, love, hurt, hate and a possible eventual happiness. When that moment of choice came in my life, I chose the latter. I had my reasons.

Unlike the peaceful philosopher, I preferred to achieve things that I wanted, than wanting things that I had. Unlike the peaceful philosopher, I considered desires as the source of creation, growth and achievement than consider them as the source of destruction. Unlike the peaceful philosopher, I considered emotions as horses that will take me to my destiny than consider them as wild, uncontrollable and hurting. Unlike the peaceful philosopher, I preferred possessing attachment to my work, having passion for my world and expecting love from my people. And unlike the peaceful philosopher, I never cared for peace.

And today, years after beginning the journey, as I suffer each minute in the path i have taken, my life was reminding me of the choice I made. It reminded me of how I had neglected peace, for being a warrior. It was taunting me repeatedly. It questioned me relentlessly until I wanted to reply back. It hurt me until I wanted to ask, “Oh life, what is peace anyways ? To do nothing, get nothing, be nothing and therefore, not be in trouble for anything ? If that is called peace, then what is a waste of life ? Why, in the name of peace and settlement, are you forcing me into ‘stagnation’ till death ?”. But given my past experiences with life, I had no courage to speak back. And anyways, who am I to ask such a question ? I am just a warrior. I’d probably not even know what peace really means.

When I was a child, my mother told me that life is a mortal opportunity to create for yourself, an immortal name. When I was a student, my teacher told me that I must create a world that is a better place for at least a few people to live in. When I was young, I dreamed of living in a way that, when I die, life itself misses me. And today, i dream of nothing but building a world, far better than it was when i arrived. All life, I was born to be a warrior. I was raised to be a warrior. I dreamt of being a warrior. And yet, when I start behaving like one, the question of peace within life arises ! People put in me a fear, before I try. They put in me, a warning against my love. A mockery at my attempts. A lack of respect against my past. An indifference against my present. A hatred for my future.

And when I think of all these, I only want to ask “Oh people who have found peace in your life, what have you made out of your peace ? You all believe not wanting anything in this life will lead you to happiness. Not attaching yourself to anyone will keep away from suffering. Not expecting anything out of yourself will keep you out of troubles. You all teach me to just exist in the moment, having no desires, no expectations and no wants. But oh peace lovers, is that not how an animal lives ? Why are you trying to convert me into society’s, my family’s and God’s pet animal ? In the end, what reasons will anyone truly love me for ? You all say that true love needs no reasons. And since god and family’s love is true love, they’d need no reasons to love me ! But oh peace seekers, this reasoning too has always surprised me. It has left me stunned everytime I hear it. Can love exist for no reason ? Haven’t everyone in the world secretly, but truly experienced that a love that begins for no reason, a love that exists for no reason – will also become a love that ends for no reason ? Oh peace seekers, even a mother cannot love all children of the world, in the same way as she does her own child. Why then are you forcing me to take the gamble, renounce every creation of God as an illusion and hope that he will love me for no reason ?’

“Oh peace lovers, what can I say of your philosophies ? I wish I could be like you all. But then, no matter how hard I try, I cannot. In fact, I will not. I can neither refuse to see the fallacy in your own arguments nor can act as if I don’t want to see it. Oh peace lovers, I tell you all something openly and honestly today. I tell you all that - although I am a warrior who is afraid of what uncertainties life will take me into, although I am a warrior who will suffer due to unimportant things, although I am a warrior who is constantly doubting the very way of my life, although I am a warrior who says ‘yes’ to life, when the world wants me to scream ‘No’, although I am a warrior who will be fought against, defeated and hurt in the end, although I am a warrior who will be insulted by everyone for trying, lied to -for loving, hurt to -for trusting and although I am a warrior who will never have peace in my heart – I am fine with it ! But I want to be a warrior. I want to try things in life. Try what I most want. I want to be loved for a reason. A reason I created. A purpose I achieved. I want people’s love to inspire me and help me create a world of mine. That is how I define its trueness.”

“Oh peace lovers, I want to be a warrior who believes in accepting the gift of life that God presented me whole heartedly. In accepting that gift with desires, thanking it with celebrations, loving it with worldly attachments, and in the end gift it back to him after adding more beauty and love to it, through my actions. I want to be a warrior who plays, celebrates and attempts to win this game of life, God threw me into. I want to be a warrior who lived, loved and left life like God’s proud son, treating the world as a family. I want to be a warrior who attempted to make God’s creations on this planet better than it was when I arrived. I want to live like the child he created me, like his child. I want to live intensely, madly, happily and crazily. And if in the process, I have to encounter your countless insults, I will accept them. If I have to be laughed at, so be it. If I cannot feel peace, I don’t want it. But then, through all these, I will continue to keep wanting things, expecting love, working hard, getting hurt, living hard, celebrating harder- and most importantly keep trying forever. I will be a warrior who attempted to create a heaven here, now and in my own life. A heaven for myself, my family, my people and for God. And regardless of whether I succeed in doing it, what I know is that my attempt to do so in itself is definitely better than your peace, which insults life as something useless, attempts to mock expectations as hurting, attachments as a sin, puts a fear towards change, and punishment for trying. Oh philosphers of the world, I hereby swear that till the end of my life and thereafter, I seek to love life with the actions of a warrior, than to just exist as life in the name of peace.’ Strangely, that night, having answered life back in its own language, I slept in peace.