Letter 39: On Forgiveness, Loss, and the Unspoken Bonds of Life

My Dearest Sahana,

Novembers are tough. They have always been so for me. Something about almost the end of year brings out the worst. Think an unwatered, dying plant – that is how I feel about this month. However, this letter is going to be more than that dear! I pen this writing to explain about the one quality I hope you differ from me. And differ from me vastly too!  This letter dear is about a lesson I never really learned or lived well. It is about forgiveness.

Sahana, the world lies when it says ‘I love you’, or ‘I miss you’ are the three most important words. Trust me, they are not. In my experience, the honour of those three words belong to the phrase – 'how are you?'

Yes dear. That simple, boring, yet vastly underrated question are the three most important words. Their importance is truly felt not when people ask, but when those, whom you considered most important in life, STOP asking you that very question.

You may wonder then, why would people stop asking such a question. And even if some do, why would it matter at all? To help you understand that dear, let me share with you, five incontrovertible yet lesser spoken truths of life.

1.  My dearest among dears Sahana,  in life, you will put your heart, soul, mind, time, energy, and everything for a few people. You will devote yourself to their goals, ambitions, and dreams. Yet, there will come a day when nothing of all that matters. The person you lived for once will simply leave or just has to move on. Sometimes, without even a proper goodbye. 

2.   That person or those friends for that matter, will have the 'urge' or ‘intent’ to check-in on you occasionally. In temples, mosques, or churches – they will silently pray for you and be grateful for your presence and what you brought to their life. Yet, a whole canyon of silence is what will exist in reality. A deadly silence will occupy what once was full of life and madness. People will hide behind intentions of goodness about you. Yet, not all intentions take the form of words or actions. Some of the best intentions will be left to die in silence.

3.  My beloved Sahana, Hurtful People are not like villains in movies. Most do not betray or hurt or hit you. But the ones who do end up hurting you, just do not like to be judged for it. No matter what how deeply you were hurt. They want you to understand intentions, circumstances, and force behind their choices. Most do not want to hear harsh truths, even when asked. Contrary to philosophy or ideas, People would rather prefer you be with them without giving any blame than leave them to reflect on difficult truths. Remember Sahana, the world will admire the pain of Sacrifice more than Courage of truth. It will demand presence in pain rather than healing through words. It asks for non-judgementalism and unconditional acceptance, regardless of how cruel the situation can get or feel for you. And this dear, for me, felt like a trap. I wholeheartedly believe this twisted sense of morality in people is actually a trap.

4.   A trap where you will feel horrible for giving up on some people. Each second, minute or hour you will be disgusting about yourself. Even genuine appreciation from truly loving and remaining ones will never reach your heart and let it feel good thereafter.  

5.    Have you failed to endure? Could you have done more? How do you strike the balance between self-care and selflessness? These are the questions that will haunt you forever about people as you grow and age.

But I digress with these truths. As I said, as time marches forward, and even the most loving ones silence out in your life. Some will be blame it on circumstances. Some others on intent being there, but peace being more important. Many more on not wanting to re-live some difficult experiences again. The remaining just get busy. Whatever be the reason, that simple act of reaching out with a ‘How are you?’ ends, making it precious yet unspoken words.

Weirdly though, you will also find yourself craving for that. After the immediate relief of finding space and time for yourself, your mind will inevitably wander back to good times with that person or friends. You will want to reach out, but you will not. I did not. And if you wonder why, you will find it difficult to form words too. I found it difficult too. So, let me share, what I found in my search for answers and wisdom to why people silence us out after all the good and what felt like would be never-ending times. 

1.    There was & is lots of happiness, but all I needed was some peace and time for myself – one said.

2.    I did not deserve such kindness and support all the time – another said.

3.    I will always be grateful to your presence and what you brought to my life. Goodbye – a third one remarked.

4.    Not a day went by in nostalgia of all the good times we shared. I do not know why I became silent. I just did. - another told.

5.    Closeness between friends mostly fails the distance between continents – a wise teacher helped me understand.

6.    If you really wanted to speak, why could you not have reached out instead? Why is it always me who should reach out? – another remarked angrily and blamed me back.

7.    I expected more. Even more. But I realized I was only asking, not giving. I did not want to trouble anymore – eventually said the one who went silent for years.

8.  I just wanted to be with myself for sometime. It was nothing about you - a few more added.

Read those sentences Sahana. I spent a good part of my life sharing friendships and expecting a ‘How are you?’ from all those people. A mild bitterness also blended into life because of my own expectations. 

Looking back, it is true though! I myself could have reached out and made it easy for everyone. Yet I did not. And if I re-live life again, I would not too. I do not know why. Somethings and people are best left to silence, no matter how much your heart screams to break through. There is a true love in being needed unasked and cared for, when not expected to - I told myself.

So, why could not you not show that true love then - you may ask dear. In response to that Sahana, I want you to know something. I want you to be aware that I have not been good at forgiving people dear. It just was not in my DNA. I felt horrible at this inability many times. But I was also too proud to change. Overall, I just turned miserable and lonely.

Should you learn from my mistake then? You may ask. In responding to you on that, Let me tell you what I lost because of not forgiving. 

Firstly, I lost people. Ofcourse, I lost them! I also lost a feel-good factor about myself. I was filled with self-doubt and a mild misery. A form of cynicism also built in, wherein I expected every person to hurt or leave for good at one or the other time. Above all, I constantly craved if time can be taken back, and some mistakes avoided forever.

And what did I gain because of NOT forgiving? I understood what I can never tolerate. I realized some values for which I will even let go of people. I found time and space to reflect. I made way for new people, who would take me down the old paths, although filling me with hope initially each time. Most importantly, I became more and more alone, no matter how many people I was surrounded by. And with such loneliness, a sort of weird detachment also presented itself. In that detachment, the highs aren’t very highs, and the lows aren’t very lows too!

So, I present these two sides as a gift to you now Sahana. I do not and will never instruct you to choose one side over another. You know that is not me at all! Never. I just want you to know that I have lived my life on the opposite side of the world’s famous and loving value – forgiveness. I did not and could not enjoy it as the poets and philosophers say. When I read that forgiveness is the fragrance that the flower sends to the foot that crushes it, I felt disgusted. I could not make space, time, and love with moments that come after forgiveness. And I am weirdly ashamed yet remorseless, mildly bitter but confident about my side. I also live with that conflict within me each day. And in the off-chance that you end up on my side, I want you to know – it is completely alright dear! Not all of world's principles need to be followed by you. We can infact partners in crime :D ! I am not going to and will never lecture you on values that you by yourself must choose. I accept whatever choice you make or path you take about forgiveness. I will wonder in a childlike way as to what your DNA will make you choose. For one choice you make, I will be proud of you. For other side, I will sit beside you and be there understanding why your inner weight is too hard to bear and overcome.

Either ways, I have got you Sahana. For now and always.

Yours, Fors & Froms.

P.S. Oh by the way, just in case you needed it today of all days, How are you doing dear? :D :)

Surviving through that Humiliation - A day of Disgust!

I write this to that child with disability. She, who needs to hear one of my many nightmares. My scars. And how they shape me till date.

I was 16 years old then. SSC Class X public exam, it was that day. American president Bill Clinton was visiting Hyderabad. And I needed to get to the exam centre early; At least 3 hours early to avoid any delays from traffic.

Amma and I started in an auto that day. The March month of the year 2000. Even as we began to reach, I knew my medical condition – lack of bladder control – was going to make its presence felt that day. Thankfully, Autos in this country have leather seats, I had thought and always do! By the time I reached the centre, my pants had soiled partially. I was embarrassed to the core.

Is all okay, Amma asked. Hmm ya, I said without any thought but I was soaking in shame and disgust about myself. How can a young teenager ever console himself that he is not to blame for his own condition? He cannot. I could not.

When we reached the exam centre, I sat on a cement bench, uneasy and distressed. A small crowd was gathering. Amma hadn’t eaten in the morning and was worried about my Sister being along at home. I stared at other students coming to the exam centre. I was also scared that my friends would arrive soon and I may have to get up or make small talk. I put on a stiff face, bringing my legs closer, even as the stomach churned again.

Ennachu, Is all okay? Amma asked again.

Yes Maa, I said in a frustrating tone.

Why do you get irritated all the time? Speak politely!, said Amma.

Seri Ma, I replied.

An hour later, I was climbing the stairs to the second floor. To go to the exam room. As I got onto the steps, my pants completely were soiled now, even as some students moved away from me, embarrassed by the very sight of my hygiene. Tears formed in my eyes as I slipped and fell on steps once. The writing pad fell too. And the cement steps imprinted with the wetness of my pants.

I wanted to run away then. But given my other medical condition, I couldn’t run! Also, I knew Amma would be waiting for me at the school gate. I shook with humiliation about myself, yet kept climbing the stairs. I reached the exam room, drenched in sweat, my own pee, and poop. The exam was to begin in 15 minutes.

After the hall-ticket was checked once again, I went to sit in one of the benches. A wooden one. I thanked a million Gods that it was wood. But was repulsed at the colour of my ‘Khaki’ uniform. I have never liked that colour since that day. 5 minutes to go for the exam to begin.

 A girl from another school arrived and sat to the other end of my bench. She held a handkerchief to her nose immediately. It brought back another horrible memory. So, I sided myself to the wall, wanting to hide into it out of sheer nausea about myself. Another boy turned back to look at me then. Was he sneering because of my stench? I wondered. I did not know. I hated myself and hated my every feeling within.

And then, my stomach began to churn again. More shit into my pants. I was also freakishly thirsty as I did not drink any water deliberately since morning. God wasn’t going kind to me that day or any day thereafter, I knew. But what could I do?

I saw the girl on my bench moved to her right a little more. Almost onto the edge of the bench. Her kerchief was still on her nose. I looked to the floor, and the floor blurred with mere seconds to go for the exam.

Sing a song for yourself Sai, a voice said within.

Sing a song da, you need to finish this exam!

More stomach churning. I could feel the wet pant cling onto my thighs and the burn of the skin rise in the saltiness. I tried humming a ‘Lucky Ali’ song to myself; I couldn’t. I tried a Palash Sen song – Maeri. I was trying to concentrate on the tune rather than everything around me. I just couldn’t.

Here, stand up and take the paper – said the invigilator, appearing out of nowhere and shaking me up from the shame I was drowning into. I did not want to stand. I did not even have the courage to stretch my hand. The girl next was holding her own question paper in one hand and kerchief on the other. The invigilator sensed something was off. I dreaded that moment and have woken up in nightmares for 20 years since then.

No, the invigilator did not say or do anything though. But the fear he might left me trembling. He asked the girl to pass the paper to me and she did it with as much unease as possible. I don’t blame her. I would have done the same.

Sing a song for yourself Sai, a voice said within.

‘Nahin rakhtha dil mein kuch, rakhtha hoon Zubaan par’, I sang that Lucky Ali song to myself.

I do not know why I began to cry even as I began to read the question paper. I understood nothing of what was asked. I read and re-read the questions, but nothing came to my mind. All other students began to look down and write. My heart was starting to race, and I was panicking. My pen did not move and would not move. Not that day. All I wanted was to disappear from the world. And just keep listening to Music, especially Lucky Ali’s songs from Sifar album.

‘Keha nahin saktha kya sehtha hoon chipakar’, the song’s lyrics went on in my head. And not a single word was written. I stared at the blackboard, letting the emotions overwhelm and scar me each minute.

‘Can I have an additional?’, some student had stood up and said meanwhile. That voice shook me out from the trance of misery and shame again. He took the additional and hurried to write. I noticed he was too excited as everyone saw him with awe for a second. I pray he tops the State, I told myself.

I was turning numb now. If only I was not that ashamed, I would have walked out. But I knew I had to sit through until everyone left. I did not want to any more sneers, stigma, or disgusts at my hygiene because of my medical condition. I will sit through the exam even if my thighs burn out from the pee, I told myself. And then, for the first time, I began to read the questions in the paper with a little bit of clarity.

One hour had passed. That Bill Clinton fellow! Why did he have to come today of all days?, I cursed in my thoughts. With little more than 90 minutes to go, I wrote my name and hall ticket number on the answer sheet. I looked at the questions and calculated what minimum can I write to pass the exam? I was breathing my own stink, unable to concentrate. And just as I was piecing myself together, the inspection team had come!

Everyone stand-up, we will check your pockets – he said.

If ever as a child I wanted to end my life, that moment was it. I knew it would be the worst humiliation ever. I wanted to run away and jump off a cliff. On most winter nights, I would wake up in a dream of that day and moment. Again and again. I have relived that day a hundred times because of my nightmares. I wouldn't even know what triggers it till date. Oh, how the childhood scars us!

As I struggled to stand, the inspector looked at me with pity.

Ok sit sit, he said in a hurry as if I am an untouchable insect; I wanted to run to Amma and hide in her hug then. An yellow ball of crap had rolled down my pants. I put my feet on it so as to not draw any more attention.

Not one word on paper yet, except my name.

My stomach churned in pain again. Amma please, I screamed to myself, trying to remember some song.

Amma, I remembered then. She must be waiting at the gates in the Sun. She has hopes of me. She believes in me. I remembered. A surge of her memories calmed me. I should write this exam, a voice called out.

I opened the map-pointing section. I knew I could score some easy marks there. The maps would be given later, but I knew I could gain a score from there. Two strong answers and objective questions – it will lead me to pass the exam, I convinced myself.

So, with shit beneath my feet and in my pants, I began to write. With my thighs burning, body stinking, back paining, and above all, my eyes tearing up – I wrote two long answers in 45 minutes. I wanted an additional. But I did not want to ask as that means I have to stand. I narrowed down the last lines of the answer to fit the page I have.

All my hope was now on the objective and map pointing section. When the papers arrived, I saw the world map and the questions asked. I remembered Lucky Ali’s video songs, how he had shot in different countries – Cuba, America – and remembering where those countries were in the map. I remember the Titanic Movie and had tracked its journey, beginning from England. Regardless of the questions, I pointed out these places on map. I also named all the seven continents for myself, closing with ‘Antarctica’, a land I did not know I would eventually visit.

In 10 minutes, I finished the map questions. 15 minutes thereafter, I wrote the objective paper. I counted what score am I likely to get. 35 was the passing mark. I had attempted questions worth 36 marks. That is all I could do when the final bell rang. And the invigilator came to give the thread to tie the paper and collect it all. I handed the paper over to him, completely exhausted. The girl put the kerchief back onto her nose and was ready to run away and probably puke. I wouldn’t blame her. I myself wanted to.

When all papers were submitted, and the students began to move, I sat there. Tears were punching through my eyes again. They would never stop for years. My core would be overwhelmed by them forever. And as I attempted to move after everyone had left, an Ayamma had come into the room. She saw me and the floor. What I had done to the floor, the bench.

‘Chi’, she said, embarrassing me further.

‘Sorry’, I replied.

‘Jarugu po’, she retorted in anger and mouthed a few foul words, whose corrosiveness killed me further within. I stepped out with poop on my feet, my pants semi-dried, tears in eyes, and limping my way down to two floors.

As I emerged out of the gates, Amma was waiting. She saw me and in a moment understood everything. ‘Come here’, she said and hugged me. She wiped my face with the edge of her saree and gave me a towel to wrap around. Calling an auto, she offered me water to drink. I did not have the strength to lift the bottle. So, how was the paper?, Amma asked. ‘Super ma’, I lied not wanting to disappoint her. ‘I know you must have done your best’, she said. ‘I am very proud of you for trying’, she added.

I tried, and that try mattered to her. And it mattered to me that she feels good. Together, we left the place. She in hope. I in shame and scars.

Two months later, the results came. I had scored 36 marks exactly in Social studies. I passed the exam by one mark. But every mark I attempted, I had gotten it right. The intermediate colleges though, would not take me or give me a scholarship to study. With less than 62%, I was a loser by any standard. My neighbours and friends all celebrated their 90% and more.

‘Seri paravalla, you tried’, my father said that day, seeing my score. His kind approach to my mere trying brought me more tears. I felt I failed him. My mother. And my sister.

I tried. Yes, I did. And on most days, that is what counts. But I wanted more. Seeing my parents sad, I really wanted to be go back and write that exam with all the true knowledge I had of social studies. I did not care for any more shame. I wanted them to be happy. I wanted to top my state. I knew I could. I knew I would.

Looking back though, I am glad my shame prevented me from moving away from that bench and giving up that day. On many days even now, I wake up in nightmares about failing that exam. I wake up in tears, sweat, and it would take a few seconds for me to realize it was just a nightmare. Cornered to the extreme on a wall, I let my shame drive me to persist in that exam and just survive to excel on another day. And each time thereafter, I knew I just need to survive sometimes. Most times. And my day to shine will come.

Nothing thereafter – not even topping the state in Engineering EAMCET, topping CBIT with great percentages, Acing GRE or GMAT, Winning Torchbearer award and Merit Scholarship at ISB – nothing could ever normalize me or make me happy. The shame of that day, the fall on the steps, the girl’s handkerchief on her nose, the inspection, my feet on the poop, the mental image of my mother waiting, and the sheer disgust of myself is what I carry at my core. And oh, those songs of Lucky Ali continued to play in my mind and life forever after. Forever after.

Yet, those songs, the desire to survive, the humiliation of it all is what I internalized. And when I look back at it all today, I remember only powerful moment. The very image of my Amma waiting at the gates helplessly and full of hope for me. I know that for most people, on most occasions – helplessness, humiliation, and disgust is what it all feels like. Just surviving in itself is a challenge. And it is ok, if that is all you do then. Hold onto one image in your head. Any image. Some song. Because when you survive, you live to fight another day. You live to win another day. You live to be proud of your scars. And you live to experience joy. However, impossible it may seem at that moment. Eventually you will be who you are destined to be. You just have to survive until then. 

That little bit of truth !

A little bit of truth. Nothing has hurt lives more than that "little bit of truth". Have you ever wondered, how when two people argue, each believes passionately in their view because of that "little bit of truth".

You are a good person, yet I want my daughter to be happy. And how can she be happy with your problems that she cannot surmount? – said a Mother to me. She had a little bit of truth.

You deserve to study, however I am a person with limited financial means. I have to take care of the whole family also. Think beyond your own selfishness – commented a father in front of me. He had a little bit of truth.

A belief in God gives me peace. I do not care whether God truly exists, but if God isn’t there, I want God to be created even as a lie – stated a friend. My friend too had a little bit of truth.

I have often seen how that small fragment of truth – that little sliver – strikes people’s lives harder than any lie ever can. We often surrender our dreams, hopes, beliefs, passions, and even our whole life to that truth. We use 'Sacrifice' as a word to give into that truth. And when I think of it each time, it is remarkable how something so small of a thought with the mask of wisdom and truth can carry such weight, how it can hurt and divide people and how people refuse to see beyond their own reality.

Looking back now, my life has been dedicated to fighting such small truths in each phase. No, I deserve to be educated – I told my family. No, I can travel till I faint of exhaustion – I told my neighbours, who queried on my abilities to live or travel independently. No, I will go to the ends of earth just to experience the beauty of life – I told myself when I doctor aggressively suggested me to have one leg amputated, rest for a few months, and not risk further infections.

Each time, I stood up for myself, I received resistance from others. From people speaking their perspective. Rather 'their truth'. And when I defied their truths, they were quick to judge too. 

But in those moments of defiance, I wish I could say I discovered something greater: the strength to live on my terms, to carve my own path, to refuse the limits others would place upon me. I wish I could share that inspiring line. However, in those moments of defiance, I discovered not that inspiration, but something darker. 

I have come to realize through my life that our life’s realities will be shaped by the truths we choose to accept and the ones we dare to challenge. But then, our own inner peace, confidence, happiness, and all other good emotions are often shaped in those silent nights, where our spirit places doubts on our true nature. In those dark ungodly hours, our conscience questions each moment of us and we turn vulnerable. We feel stirred, trying to silence questions on who we truly are! I realized the truth that - Choosing our own path makes us feel lonely. No matter how many people surround us on the journey.

Yet, not choosing such a path would also fill us with regret. Now, I had also given onto and surrendered other people’s notions of truth frequently. I tried doing what other people's truths wanted me to do. And I have realized that each time I surrendered my own true, humanly desires for the sake of someone else’s truth, a small piece of my spirit decayed. I felt suffocated and defeated. I turned angry and resentful. And what I learned is this – living by the standards of others may bring temporary peace, but it is a hollow peace. It is a peace that fades quickly and leaves behind only the bitter taste of what could have been.

So, in a battle between any two truths then dear, it comes down to that fundamental question – which truth will you allow to define your life? Will you choose loneliness or a decaying spirit? I pray you can live with the hypocrisy that sometimes you chose yourself and sometimes others. Yet, it actually comes down to your instincts and people around you. Honestly, no one was born with a manual of how to live. And even if they did, I would want to toss that manual into fire as soon as possible! For why would I want to follow a wise book of instructions when I can write my own story in the only life I have ever got? In fact, why would I ever let someone else’s words fill my life’s pages when the pen to write my destiny is in my own hand? And even if such a writing were to actually punish me with loneliness, guilt, and hurt for the rest of my life, why should I feel that to be an unbearable burden? So, in the spirit of that thought, let me fill the page of my book's story say with this saying finally.

"My Dearest Sahana,

I was, by all accounts, born as an incapable, limited, and ill-suited individual for certain grand dreams. Yet, for reasons unknown to me, my heart cried out to chase those very dreams. Each night, my instincts, fantasies, and imaginations wept for those dreams with all the passion I could feel. And so, unable to bear that burden anymore, I chased my dreams eventually. In the prime of my youth, I committed to them. Each time. Every time. I defied my parents. I lived wildly. And, on most occasions, I failed. Miserably. I would feel the sting of my stupidity then and consider myself wiser because of the experience. I was also filled with loneliness on many days. I cried. I cried and cried in a small 6x4 foot room in three different countries. And then, when I couldn’t cry anymore actually, I began to write about it too. I wrote for myself initially and to you in later part of life. And through such writing, I also realized something significant silently. A thought has come upon me slowly. A feeling has overwhelmed me eventually that although I had failed many times in life, I have also lived authentically. I have lived foolishly dear, but authentically too. Also, I have not let the restraints imposed by others and the truth of the words of the others to limit the spirit with which I wanted to live. And as long as I live, I will never let that happen to me. Not only to me. But I will not let anyone, any word, or any feeling restrain you too or any other. No matter how thoughtless your desires are. Let me tell you my dearest, the two feelings – authenticity and foolishness –  may seem opposed to you each time you make a decision. The wise ones with all the love they have will warn you of the risks, even as your own heart dares you plunge in.  And when you confront such contrasting emotions within you, you must realize that the two opposing feelings have to exist together. Exist within you every moment. Exist every time you make a choice. And as you let them live within you for as long as possible. The two feelings must exist until they merge  into an honest foolishness. Only then you will begin to find your truest self. You will act with an unapologetic approach. You will begin to come alive. And as you learn to slowly turn a blind eye to embrace the world’s judgmental eyes on your foolishness dear, you will eventually let the spirit of your heart come to the fore to the fullest. And that is your purpose, my dear. A never ending pursuit to let your spirit live to the fullest. Generations of our family have come together to give this beautiful opportunity of life to you. So, embrace that gift and reveal who you are to the world dear. No matter how much it judges you. You were born in the world, not for the world. Experience it to the wildest of your capabilities and dreams. And when you do so, even against anyone's or everyone's wishes, be rest assured, I will love everything about you. I will love you with every little bit I have to my last breath and more. You are mine and will always be. Your spirit, your choices, and your joys is what I wish to see. So, do not let the world dim your foolish authenticity by any means. 

For you, Because of you - Sai Prasad Vishwanathan"

Shame, Shame, Shame.

It has taken me almost 30 years to begin writing this. Even now, I am still not sure whether I should write. However, the truth must be written. Someday. Probably today. Because that truth is a part of my very life. A very important part.

Such a truth starts with two words – Neurogenic bladder. These two scientific words mask the ugliness of the life consequences. They hide the devastating effects it can have on my everyday life. And more often, they soak me in shame that remains unspoken.

The two words stand to mean one thing actually: No control over bowel movements or passing of the urine. A person with this condition, or me actually, well, we are soiled most of the times. Heck, I am still not ready to state it directly. I shit my pants almost most of the time and I have no control over it! That is the truth of this condition.

There you go! I said it now. Once and for all. Openly. Finally.

For the sake of that little child, whose name I do not wish to reveal, for the sake of all those children, who are going to live with the same fears, hurts, solutions, and madness I did, and for the sake of all Parents of children with Neurogenic Bladder, who struggled as much as my Mother and Father did, do.

That day, in the fifteenth year of my life, I saw my father plead the tuition master. Because of my lack of control, I had shit unknowingly and uncontrollably in the classroom. The tuition master was very angry. He slapped me. And dismissed me in front of 20 other children. I cried madly that night. Weirdly, I cried not because my father had to plead. Nor because I soiled the room. Or because I was slapped. I cried because I lost an opportunity to take tuitions to study and to make any friends in life. Later on, I almost failed my class X because of that scar.

In another instance, I came across a school bully. ‘I will hit you in the balls if you soil the school bench once more’, a bully once said. I did not care. What hurt me was not his filthy language or words. I was instead worried that I would no longer be part of my class students’ sports team. Strange are God’s ways. Because people were hurting me with words for some reason and I was getting hurt for some other reasons.

Later on, in my teenage years, when in class XI, Malaria hit me 4 times.  I lost college attendance. I became much much weaker. Adult diapers were yet to come into the market. So, I walked into classrooms irregularly, shivering that the professor may judge me and even beat me. In that fear, I would soil myself further. I would stink up the whole classroom. I would then be unable to meet anyone eye to eye. I would keep my head down and buried in books. I drowned in stories of the R K Narayan novels just so that I do not have to see anyone and their judging eyes.

Meanwhile, winters were and are always terrible. I would wake up at 2 am or 3 am, completely surrounded by piss and shit. I would be too lazy to go to the washroom and clean up. And I too stinky to sleep again. This is going to be my state, all life – I would tear up on some days. On some other days, I would manage to wake up the whole family to help me at 4 am. I felt guilty about that. So, returning their help, I chose to sit down and study.

College came and with it also came three floors of climbing each day. Unclean bathrooms led to multiple urinary infections. Such infections gave more fevers. Fevers turned my body weak. I stayed away from college and friends. So, I achieved even more judgements.

As if this were not enough, I was also born with an inability to walk properly. In college, I did not want others to look at my wet pants. So, I would not even move out of my bench for 7 straight hours. I would be the first to enter college at 8:30 am and last to exit at 05:00 pm, so that no one sees me or judges me. Friends helped, no doubt. And I am eternally grateful to them. But I grew more and more depressed & shameful within. I buried myself in my own thoughts, books, studies, and loneliness. I barely spoke to anyone. I learnt to write sitting in a little temple. I threw away the pages on way home.

Meanwhile, I unknowingly picked up an unhealing injury on a trip. The injury turned into trophic ulcer. So, medical expenses piled up. The insurance would not cover because of pre-existing conditions. Worse, the ulcer required me to be dry and minimize movement, limiting the times I would visit the restroom. Each time I visited, I would also have to re-bandage.

So, on one hand, if I stayed dry for the wound, I would stink up myself. If I visited the washroom, I would have to re-bandage and the wound would not heal easily. A Catch-22 situation.

Subsequently, I stopped wearing shoes because I needed to prevent the injury from getting infected. I needed leather seats, rubber sheets everywhere I sat to prevent the place I sit from being soiled. I would refuse to get into cars out of embarrassment. I kept away from events, meet-ups, and was on heavy antibiotics for the ulcers. I turned weak. Very weak. Winters came and punished me more. Summers would dry my soiled pants and make them stink. And I would not be able to walk or find privacy to change regularly.

I would tear up reading, writing. I found some healing in Music. I turned bitter and sarcastic about my own life. I would become angry at every little thing in life. I wanted to run away from it all. The only people I visited were doctors.

Such doctors suggested catheterization. Regular emptying of bladder. And a few more solutions. All tried. All tested. All helping a little. But never solving the whole. So, I learnt to dislike doctors. And I learnt to dislike people in general.

Running away from everything was the only solution. So, I travelled to the other side of the planet. Literally! I went to USA to do my MS. I fought my own people to see that choice through. I took many hurts in that process. I also gave a few. No matter what, I left to Madison. And there, one fine day, I met religious people too. They offered to help on my ulcer. In doing so, they pitied me. I hated that pity. I found God as a silent, cruel witness to my fate. I became even more arrogant. I looked for my own imaginary heroes. I found and worshipped Karna of the Mahabharat.

A few years in USA later, I returned to India. I was 25 now. I was admitted to a renowned business school. Yet I lacked any form of confidence in life there. Every few hours, I would disappear from study group meetings to change. I would not be able to sleep through the nights. I skipped study group meetings. I skipped homeworks and assignments because I was too busy taking care of my injury and other unmanageable needs. As I did so, I knew and heard acquaintances speak of how I stank. I listened to how others spoke behind my back about why they are unable to even bear my stinking. I tried to tear up. But I couldn’t give a damn anymore. It is not even my fault that my neurological bladder does not work, I told myself.

Why I survived all this, I would not even know. Why the shame did not break me, I do not know. I hated my life. But may be, just may be, I also loved living too much.

God. Friends. Money. Myself. I had lost faith in all of them.

Imaginary characters became my world and gave me inspiration.

Karna. John Nash. Tyrion Lannister. James J Braddock. Severus Snape. Albus Dumbledore. Howard Roark. Jack Sparrow.

Their stories that kept me going. I read and re-read them. I watched and re-watched them.  I drowned and drowned in Music about their emotions. I would also write madly occasionally and burn my writing some days. On other days, I attempted peace and would put up my own quotes on social media.

As late 20s hit, I tried to find solace in religion. But I found none. I hated Krishna for bringing ‘Karma’ into Indian culture. I came up with my own belief system. ‘There is no life after death’, I told myself. This is the only life you have Sai, and you may as well live and experience it – I repeated each day.

Meanwhile, Love came along too. More than once. Only to break me further. Only to hurt my own view of myself and my character. Insanely. Nevertheless, like a creature, I still lived. Like a broken, soiling, shameless insect, I struggled and struggled to retain my own non-existing self-respect. I read Kafka’s ‘Metamorphosis’ and began to laugh at the dark humour in it. I am the insect – I felt some days.

Time and innovations brought Adult Diapers into my life. Somewhat of a relief, they turned out to be. Yet, the skin rashes and burning on the thighs because of the urine continued. The stinking was relentless. Winters and weaknesses only became worse and worse.

But I was a working professional at a Big-four firm now. I made money. Good, Hard-earned money. So, I would buy the craziest and costliest perfumes to get rid of the stink. Ironically, I would also get suspicious of anyone who would gift me perfumes. I broke friendships on that so that I don’t lose my self-respect.

And one day, out of nowhere, I did not see why my being a consultant made a difference to anyone. To any life. I saw that my inability to walk took worse turns at work. Will I do this for the rest of my life, I wondered then. I entered kitchen and tried to cook, realizing how thoroughly useless I am. I feared how my last years would be. I began to crawl to move from place to place because my legs have now started to fail in bigger ways. I would crawl in washrooms. I would struggle to stand. Occasionally, I would skid, fall, and hurt myself.

I wanted to cry. But I could not. I would not. In fact, I felt nothing. I burned people with sarcasm to make up for my own shortcomings. I burned myself for being who I was. And I felt a strange sense of calling and love for those who suffered. Helping the downtrodden, turning the hopeless into winning positions, beating impossible odds to help realize other people’s dreams – these aspects satisfied my ego and gave me a purpose.

Even as I explored difficult entrepreneurial dreams, on an unknown day, I realized I hated dogs. I hated people for speaking about dogs. Dogs reminded me of myself. Their walking, my crawling. Their desire to be loved. All aspects of them were a sign of my own life. I hated everything about them. I disliked people suggesting me to have a dog. I disliked myself for disliking kind people’s well-intentioned suggestions.

Meanwhile, laurels came and went. Merit Scholarships, Adventures in Antarctica, Great Degrees, Entrepreneurial Success, Directly working with dreams of over 2000 young people. Making a true difference to at least 20 of them. May be even more. A few moments made me cry tears of joy. A few other moments made me puke on the middle of the streets.

And so, the years have passed. I am in my 30s now. It has been over a 1,000days since I slept at my own home now. A resolution that I have happily succeeded on. To give me parents at least that bit of happiness – my absence and my lack of constant need of them. These 1,000 days also brought me friends, made me lose friends. Brought me perspectives. Gave me peace. Took away peace.

So, three more severe winters and worsening health conditions later, I am still piecing my life together. Music, Writing, Reading, Binging on my favourite heroes and heroines repeatedly. And off late, collecting paintings of Saraswathi.

Nothing washes away the stink and the shame. Nothing ever will. People have started to use the word ‘inspiration’. Truly, it means nothing to me. Each day, I read obsessively, teach passionately, watch movies happily, learn about people’s stories and their journeys curiously. Each night, I drown in my own misery of the so-called ‘Karma’, I was born into.

I thought I would be used to the shame and embarrassment now. But the truth cannot be further. I still am the scared, angry, and hurt kid – who was removed from the tuition classes for his medical condition. Who was bullied by a few, ignored in sports teams, stared by strangers, judged by acquaintances, limited by opportunities, and disgusted by myself.

And then, cruel jokes began to happen. Years later, a boy arrived at my own coaching class. He had the same condition as mine. I could see the embarrassment in his eyes for he shared the same situation as mine. It is alright, I said. I knew my words did not make a difference to his embarrassment. Later on, I also met a little girl, whose parents are going through what my parents did because of my medical condition. ‘Encourage her to study. That is the only way she will find peace and calm in her life’, I commanded them and left the hospital in further hurt. It was easy for me to say and difficult for them to live, I told myself. 

These days, sleepless nights and disgusting smell have begun to give me more headaches. So, I started to rely on tablets to lose the headaches. Because of the tablets and irregular night sleep, I sleep in the noons. Because of the tablets, My nerves have weakened. I have also put on weight. The weight brought backpains. I fall more often in the washrooms. I achieved new injuries. And so, more medications. A vicious cycle.

Through all of this, I heard a voice within. Shame, Shame, Shame – a voice screamed at me whenever I became alone. And so, I played the music a little louder, hoping the noise cancellation headphone will cancel the noise within me.

Nothing worked. Nothing ever will. So, a few more years of this, I have to live. And as i look into the second half of my life, I realize a truth. A truth that some lives are not meant for happiness. Some lives are just meant to be endured. Endured against all shame. All challenges. All failings. All loneliness. And all lack of love. Just endured, my dear Sahana.

What is such endurance worth, you may then ask. I have no answer. Not for now at least. For now, I want to live and am trying to live. I am trying because that is what my parents, sister, friends, heroes and heroines taught me across their own life, novels, movies, music, and stories. So, for their sake, I will breathe. Even if that breath stinks of my own shit.